Print Story I have a theory...
Funny stuff
By MartiniPhilosopher (Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 05:53:15 AM EST) Jazz, Pets, Vendetta, Dangly Bits (all tags)
that for whatever reason our dog has a vendetta against my testicles.


It is an inevitable thing to have happen should one decide to share one's home with certain types of pets that you will find them getting comfortable in places you find them to be quite the opposite. This is something to which I and my wife have become quite accustomed to due to living with cats. However, Jazz's deposition with regards to certain dangly portions of my anatomy and his actions towards them has me questioning the validity of them being accidental in nature. I have instead come to believe that he has detected certain missing portions of his own anatomy and has decided to strike out against those who may have caused him to have them missing.

The most recent incident was this past Saturday night. We were watching the HHGG movie and I was sitting lazily on our sofa. Jazz who had been occupying himself with a rawhide bone decided that he wanted us to toss the tennis ball around. He fetched it and proceeded to join me on the sofa. The choice of his approach and angle of attack left one very important thing to be desired: That he needed to land upon my crotch before proceeding to the open part of the sofa. This is just one part of a pattern of behavior which indicates that he has a vendetta against my testicles.

Jazz currently weighs in at a little over fifty pounds now. It was one thing when he was much smaller and lighter. Such was also only the beginning of attempts to jump and rarely, if ever, were successful in causing any sort of discomfort. In growing, both in size and mass, this has become bit by bit less amusing and more painful. He sees my reaction when he surprises me by jumping suddenly at a movement my wife makes across the room. He knows I smack him when he barrels off my lap to go and chase the cats. I think I even heard him laughing ever so slightly on Saturday night.

I have come to believe that our dog has a vendetta against my testicles.

< A Day in the Life | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
I have a theory... | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
easy solution by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #1 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 07:01:03 AM EST
I mean, I feel absurd posting this, since the meme was maybe 3 years ago. But there is an answer.

All dogs do that by debacle (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 08:20:12 AM EST
Why is it Jazz's responsibility where you put your nuts? It wasn't even his responsibility where he put his own nuts.

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

Here's the thing by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #5 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 09:32:45 AM EST
My wife shares in the sentiment -- that I should somehow be proactively protecting and perhaps preventing the precarious placement of said perishables. Such is easier said than done. My sitting habits are those of someone who has enjoyed a life without having to defend against random crotch-shots. So I never see it coming until it is too late. Often very much too late. Currently I am exploring a strategy that involves sitting with some sort of armor on my lap. As best as I have available, it turns out is a pillow. Hopefully, I will be able to learn the signs of impending dog-testicle collision and be able to bring the shield into place.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

[ Parent ]
Were you an only child? by debacle (2.00 / 0) #6 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 11:09:40 AM EST
You should always be wary of random crotch-shots.

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
No, I was not by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 01:02:23 PM EST
My parents were the sort that frowned upon random physical violence which had the effect of my sister and I developing a sort of biting kung-fu sarcasm that was deployed in its stead. Between that and my physical size versus those around me in schools I attended there was never much need to develop a balls-oriented defensive paranoia.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

[ Parent ]
Then you can blame your mother by debacle (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 01:04:48 PM EST
Every man has the right to protect his nuts. I suggest taking a course on crotch-shot self defense at the local community center.

IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
Kids do that too by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #3 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 08:39:42 AM EST
they hit an excitable post toddler age where they're just tall enough to run up to you and jump up, and most times they headbutt your nuts.


That explains by MartiniPhilosopher (2.00 / 0) #4 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 09:24:02 AM EST
all of those AFHV segments.

Whenever I hear one of those aforementioned douche bags pontificate about how dangerous [...] videogames are I get a little stabby. --Wil Wheaton.

[ Parent ]
I have a theory... | 8 comments (8 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback