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Working life
By ReallyEvilCanine (Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 05:04:09 AM EST) A Day in the Life, WTF, happy little bunnies, HR, pie (all tags)
Survey Says...

From: $MegaCorp HR Department
Sent: ____tag, xx. Oktober 2006 12:34
To: $everybody
Subject: Employee Satisfaction Survey

Ummm... no.

blah blah blah The survey is completely confidential*.

Uh-huh.

x-posted to da brog, sans poll



Even if the survey is anonymous, it wouldn't be once I sent in my answers. Even Ripa could figure out whose paws had banged out the appropriate response:
Dear HR,

Consider the following:
* My ticket load was more than double the average this past year.
* I wrote half a dozen public documents and edited four times that many for others.
* My survey scores were some of the highest company-wide.
* I got customers using Citrix to stop bitching at us and redirect their hatred to where it belongs.
* I was congratulated by upper management for my handling of certain touchy problems affecting multi-million-dollar contracts.
* I ended up taking a pay cut while the slackers got a pay increase.
* I was passed over for promotion.
* I didn't receive a cost-of-living pay adjustment.

How fucking satisfied do you think I am?

Fuckwits.
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A Day in the Life | 16 comments (16 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
I like filling those things out by debacle (4.00 / 1) #1 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 05:47:18 AM EST
We recently had a "Vice President of Labor Retention" appointed.

Since then, we've filled out about 5 surveys. Each one, we ask for the same thing:

We had to wait last year for two months before buying a goddamned three-hole punch because the effing bean counters wouldn't let us go out of budget, even though we promised to make up the goddamned 33.95 or whatever next quarter. The same thing happens with important things too, like check stock. If we have extra (payroll) checks to print in a given month (because of union deals or retro pays) and we run out of stock, we just sit on our thumbs while Finance gives us the runaround about foresight and budgetting responsibility.

And then we tell people "Well, your paycheck is going to be four days late. This is all part fo the Labor Retention Initiative." The VP of LR really gets a kick out of that. Too bad he's got balls the size of electrons.

Man, work sucks.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

Merit-based pay. by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #2 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 05:54:53 AM EST
See the "Betriebs-Rats" post. It's linked above but here at HooSee even Rogerborg stopped taunting me for a day. Merit-based pay is somehow anti-social and therefore, not allowed by the Betriebsrat.

At least budgeting as bad here at $MegaCorp as it was at $BigCorp.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
That's pretty goddamned terrible by debacle (4.00 / 1) #4 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 06:05:53 AM EST
The morons that I work with make considerably less than I do (my director, before he became a lich, did some jumping-through-hoops for me).

I don't think I'd be able to handle it if those mouth breathers made as much as I do. You can only play incompitent for so long before you kill yourself in a fiery ball of homemade organic napalm.

Looking for a new job, though. It's tough when you work two full time jobs as it is.


IF YOU HAVE TWO FIRLES THOROWNF MONEY ART SUOCIDE GIRLS STRIPPER HPW CAN YPUS :OSE?!?!?!?(elcevisides).

[ Parent ]
ah yes expense control by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #8 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 07:45:21 AM EST
I had that once at a company.  No raises, couldn't buy Post-It notes.  it's a sure sign ya wanna be leaving soon since once the pay cuts and Post-it note savings aren't enough they gotta start getting rid of the big time expenses and I don't mean CEOs.

Unfortunately I stuck it out til I was RIFed.

--
Blizzard of Death '06

[ Parent ]
Make like hulver by Breaker (2.00 / 0) #3 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 06:03:02 AM EST
An inspiration to us all.


I remember the hotline retention team we had by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #5 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 06:35:10 AM EST
a group of hotline analysts trying to figure out why every one wanted to leave the hotline, and how to keep them on the hotline.

They all left for greener pastures after six months.


Six months. by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #7 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 07:41:43 AM EST
That's the average time most people spend on such jobs. Been that way for donkey's. Call centers have huge attrition rates, about 180% annually. It doesn't help that the rules require the monkeys to sit strapped to their desks and never deviate from the scripts the software they use throws at them.

I am sadly involved with such software.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
It was second level, we could use our brains by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #11 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 08:01:24 AM EST
and most people hung around there for 4 years or so. The biggest problem was there was no way up and out, no matter how accomplished you were at solving customer problems, you were still a hotline analyst.

The management team was fooling themselves if they thought most people wanted to do that for a career.


[ Parent ]
Hang on by yicky yacky (2.00 / 0) #6 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 06:42:43 AM EST

You let them pull all that shit on you, and somehow they're the fuckwits?


----
Vacuity abhors a vacuum.
Umm... yeah. by ReallyEvilCanine (4.00 / 1) #9 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 07:46:03 AM EST
My ticket load is now dropping noticeably.

Writing and editing public documents is easy and excuses me from ticket load.

I can't do anything about the fucking Betriebsrat. FOL in Germany.

I only found out about not getting any promotion or COLA last week.

The money's good, as is the extreme flexi-time. And I should be able to do more "home office" (i.e., connecting from some bar in Iceland) pretty soon.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
word by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #13 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 09:24:34 AM EST
I missed the original diary about this, but really, if the system benefits slackers, then your optimal course of action seems pretty obvious.

[ Parent ]
"Anonymous" by ucblockhead (2.00 / 0) #10 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 07:59:12 AM EST
I once worked for a company that was having organizational issues. It'd had been a small startup and was growing past that critical fifty-employee mark where actual process is needed. As is usual in these cases, a lot of demands for actual process came from below. There was, as is usual, a bit of ill-will about the matter between the lower levels and the CEO/Founder.

So a consultant was brought in. He was a process consultant. He'd figure out what was wrong, and then using his power as an objective outsider, would present us with solutions. Employees were randomly selected to be interviewed by him, with all assurances that these interviews would be confidential.

I was fortunate enough not to be selected. Some of my coworkers were, and believing in the company, and it's future, were brutally honest about some of the problems. (Many of which involved the CEO/Founder's constant pushing to cut "red-tape" like "testing" before shipping products or his tendency to ignore "bureaucratic" things like figuring out if a given software change was possible before selling it.)

The consultant's proposal as to how the problems could be fixed: Hire the consultant as company president. This was done. Most of the people who were interviewed were let go over the next few months after getting reviews that said things like "not a team player".
---
[ucblockhead is] useless and subhuman

And just to show my support... by atreides (4.00 / 1) #12 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 08:15:46 AM EST
%%%

Have you seen The Passion yet? Here's a spoiler for you: Jesus dies.
"...compassion is more than a 16 point word in scrabble." - MostlyHarmless


There is no upside to filling out those things. by ObviousTroll (2.00 / 0) #14 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 09:33:40 AM EST
Not honestly, anyway.

--
Faith, and the possibility of weaponized kissing?
solution by alprazolam (4.00 / 1) #15 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 10:13:18 AM EST
just fill them out with "completely unsatisfied" or whatever for everything, in then add that you were not rewarded for high performance.

That's actually the plan. by ReallyEvilCanine (2.00 / 0) #16 Tue Oct 10, 2006 at 11:30:19 AM EST
I have until the end of the month to get all the ranting out of my system so that I can do exactly that without breaking into some tirade in the text boxes.

the internet: amplifier of stupidity -- discordia

[ Parent ]
A Day in the Life | 16 comments (16 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback