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Wizards and Hobbits
By Bob Abooey (Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 08:55:25 AM EST) (all tags)
The B.A.D.TM

The W stands for Whey...

  • I used to play chess against my brother-in-law when I would pay them a visit, and over the 10 years or so that they were married (they're going through a brutal divorce right now but I can't tell that story for the obvious reasons) I only beat him once. That's right, once. We played quite a few times too as once he found out that I "knew" how to play he used to bring his chess set with him to all the family gatherings, so I would be forced to do battle with him on every holiday and family picnic and social gathering. Indeed, many was the time I would be flying on a plane out to visit them when I would look at my watch and think to myself "Woooo!! Only three more hours until my b-i-l kicks my arse at chess." Not that I really cared, mind you.

    Now, part of the reason is that I don't play chess. I mean, he's the only bloke I've played against since the I was in the 7th grade and used to play against Tommy Woozlebrock during recess, so I suck. Really suck. And I don't care much that I suck, as chess really isn't my thing. The second thing is that he really enjoyed playing chess and had all these fancy pants Russian stratagem moves all memorized, and whatnot, so, he had some technical knowledge and skill. Me, on the other hand, used the "try to bludgeon him with a blunt object repeatedly until he died" strategy. Indeed, while he would be working hard to setup the famous St Petersburgh Napoleon Misdirection Gambit I would be trying to line up my little dwarf guys for the flying wedge1 like football teams use on their kick returns.

    Now, despite my dismal record many was the time that I would have him on the ropes, as apparently, just like in a real life fisticuffs battle, it's tough to fight a retard who either lacks logic or seemingly laughs in the face of it. But he would usually have the mental fortitude to come overcome any advantage I may have had to defeat me. Except for that one time. That one magical time when I hit him with a Blitzkrieg the likes of which he'd never seen before and he never recovered.

  • Lest you think I'm stupid because I suck at chess let me remind you that I'm still reading Focaults Pendulum although I went out last night and didn't get a chance to pick it up. Fear not, gentle reader, I shall certainly have a few spare minutes tonight which shall be devoted to slashing through a few pages and thusly will I report back on it tomorrow.
[1] - As it turns out the flying wedge was a pretty good defensive ploy, retardedly speaking, however wasn't real effective for putting away your opponent.
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If you want my body and you think I'm sexy | 13 comments (13 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
flying wedge by tps12 (2.00 / 0) #1 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:00:19 AM EST
That's my strategy! I also like the "make random move on one side and then keep it symmetrical on the next turn" approach. God, chess. I really don't know a thing about it.

Another favourite of mine by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #5 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:23:04 AM EST
Was the old Shock and Awe strategy where you get the Queen out and just go around killing everything you can with her while ignoring every other piece on the board.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
I find chess too deterministic for my tastes by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #2 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:02:20 AM EST
I like the old school hex board war games, and newer ones, and Civ style games where the computer has to cheat to have a fighting chance.

Your remarks about the flying wedge reminded me, I hear Paterno is working on incorporating such a thing into the Penn State offense, along with a top secret (please don't tell the Buckeye fans) thingie called the wishbone option.

Lordy loo! by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #6 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:25:05 AM EST
You mean that old dinosaur is going to come back next year and coach again??? I can't believe they let him do it at this point.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
He's still waiting by wumpus (2.00 / 0) #11 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 02:57:45 PM EST
for the Terps to beat him.


[ Parent ]
Not the wishbone option! by mmangino (2.00 / 0) #8 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:43:30 AM EST
I don't think it's us buckeye fans who have to be worried about that. Michigan (boo) seems to be the team who has problems with mobile quarterbacks. For example, us spanking them last year, and a game against Texas they should have won.

I think we're more concerned about the police at this point.

[ Parent ]
hex board by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #9 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 01:54:52 PM EST
ever play axis n allies? i found it at goodwill, thought it'd be cool, and it was about two's the original one, too, and never been played. i wanna learn.

[ Parent ]
Sadly no, but I think it's well regarded at by georgeha (2.00 / 0) #10 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 02:42:18 PM EST
boardgamegeek. I have played Third Reich, one of those massive 1000 counter 50 hour long things that geeky guys get drawn to.

[ Parent ]
Hmmm ... by TurboThy (2.00 / 0) #12 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 11:12:44 PM EST
Ever played any of GMT Games card-driven boardgames? If yes, do you know ACTS?
Sommerhus til salg, første række til Kattegat.
[ Parent ]
I beat my portable chess set once by DesiredUsername (2.00 / 0) #3 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:03:54 AM EST
On the very lowest setting. And it was made in the 80's, so you know it sucked. I don't even know why I have that thing, either. I asked for it for a birthday present for some unknown reason.

Now accepting suggestions for a new sigline
You probably wanted to hack it into a CNC machine by georgeha (4.00 / 2) #4 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:06:16 AM EST

[ Parent ]
Right by Bob Abooey (2.00 / 0) #7 Thu Jun 02, 2005 at 09:28:40 AM EST
I tried to play one of those online computer jobbies once, in an effort to practice up some so I could surprise him and crush him like a little bug, but it was too much for me. I prefer to mindlessly shoot at flying rocks.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Chess is the Special Olympics of pass-times* by Rogerborg (2.00 / 0) #13 Fri Jun 03, 2005 at 12:23:27 AM EST
Being the best in the world at chess just means that you failed at everything else first.

* I do not use the "word" pastime.

Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy | 13 comments (13 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback