Print Story I hate Valentines day.
Diary
By Alice Pulley (Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:22:45 PM EST) (all tags)
Hello. I very rarely post anything as I kind of use Husi to keep up to date with Code Monkey, an old friend.

Today, however, I would like to expel some of my inner rage about Valentines day. Not because of the ridiculous over commercialism (although that it is obviously jarring) but because I have managed to completely destroy my life in the last couple of months and all the luvviness of the day has already caused me to rant at a co-worker.

**This diary may well be extremely irritating for anyone with real problems**



This is how it goes:

I was living in relative comfort with a long-term girlfriend (we shall call her Claire, for accuracy). She is a beautiful person, is intelligent, has spent her whole working life working with diasadvantaged people, either kids with difficulties or for charities - genuinely someone whos life was based around helping others and just the love that she seems to feel for people in general. I was extremely angsty/self destructive when I was younger, Claire did more than anyone in my life to make me feel at peace & content, something which was precious to me.

Make no bones about it, I loved her very much. I was fully prepared to marry her and kind of broached the subject a couple of times about 2 years into our relationship but she kind of always said we had loads of time and there was no rush.

So, what happens?

Contentment starts to feel a bit boring. All the stuff that I loved so much in beginning started to be taken for granted - spending time with her, eating meals after work and talking, going out together - without being graphic, we didn't even make time for being intimate together.

So, I started spending more time going out with my friends than with Claire, I convinced myself that the grass is greener. I started getting home late and drunk and not making any efforts to spend time with her. When we were together, we seemed unable to focus on anything other than the things we do which annoyed each other and bicker.

I decided that things weren't working so I forced the situation and we split up. I should have taken stock and thought about everything that she meant to me and all the history we had and more than anything, how much I loved her and then tried to fix things but sadly I did not.

We stayed friends and I think she was hoping we would get back together. I was horribly, horribly torn between wanting to get back with her and missing her terribly and thinking that there was no point getting back together if things had gone wrong once before (I had been down this route previously with an ex and it was a very painful time).

So, thats where we were. Then I met an attractive, intelligent girl who seemed to like me. She asked me out and I agreed, thinking this would help me get over Claire. I told Claire I was seeing someone, it breaks her heart. I got on really well with the new girl, she is very keen on me and without meaning to be I am suddenly in a fairly serious relationship with her. I like her very, very much, even love her, love the newness and excitement , she is a fantastic, beautiful girl.

Guess what? I should be having the time of the life with this girl - and it has now made me realise quite how much I loved Claire. You can feel passionate love for someone very quickly (and I really do for the new girl), but to actually be strongly in love with someone, to feel that they make your life complete and that you want to grow old with them is a very different thing indeed. I miss talking to her. I miss holding her. I miss sitting next to her on the sofa. I miss waking up next to her and watching her while she is still asleep. I miss my niece talking about Uncle Alex & Auntie Claire. I can do these things with the new girl but it isn't the same: I love Claire with all my heart but I had just got used to it.

So, Claire is very upset with me and I have blown any chance we had of getting back together. The new girl is really happy at the fact we are together - I care about her loads but am keenly aware that the time we spend together makes me think more and more that I should be spending this time with Claire. I am going to have to admit to the new girl that I am not over Claire and that it is not right for me to be with her -0 that will make her very upset and probably make her think I have done nothing but lie to her (as its only actually being with her thats made me realise how I feel).

I also can't possibly tell Claire how I feel, I have messed her around too much already, caused her too much pain to backtrack now, I think I just deserve/need to be on my own for a while.

So, you can keep Valentines day.

< Ever Listened to Killing Me Softly | BBC White season: 'Rivers of Blood' >
I hate Valentines day. | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Thanks. by edward (2.00 / 0) #1 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:30:39 PM EST
Thanks for sharing with us.

I hope you find your heart, and your way.

Just kind of needed to externalise... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #2 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:34:16 PM EST
I'm sure doesn't make for good reading but I have no-one to talk about this stuff at work and the whole Valentines atmosphere is driving me crazy.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
It's all good... by edward (2.00 / 0) #4 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:45:45 PM EST
This site is great for externalising. Sometimes, even, people are nice to you :)

I'd like to think that I know what you're going through, but I don't. I can pretend, though.

You must be in a timezone where the workday is already in full swing. Me, I'm in PST so it's not even 4am. I'll be sure to sleep through the whole fucking day just so I don't have to feel like ass.

Well, either that or stay up all night, grab a camera, grab some pot, get on the bus, go down to the beach, get high, take a roll of film, get on the bus again, go downtown, smoke more pot, and shoot another roll.

Happy Valentine's Day! Blech.

[ Parent ]
Sounds like a plan... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #10 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:55:17 PM EST
Timezone is UKian, so its 12ish in the day, another 5 hours of Valentines jolliness to endure with co-workers. Immediately after this I will look to self-administer some kind of alcohol based medecine.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
hi by komet (2.00 / 0) #5 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:45:48 PM EST
you should post more diaries to Husi. You write well, despite what you might think about yourself. Keep it up.

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
Thanks... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #11 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:56:31 PM EST
I think. It helps to put something down in writing, I could talk all day and not manage to say what I really think.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
YeS! by edward (2.00 / 0) #6 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:47:30 PM EST
Dooo it.

Now that you've practiced telling us, by BadDoggie (4.00 / 2) #7 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:49:02 PM EST
Tell Claire!

Seriously. Even if she says no (and she's likely to), she'll feel better about herself and some of the pain will be gone. It's how women think.

If you're really intent on getting back together with Claire, don't take "No" for an answer. Send flowers next week. Invite her to dinner. Be persistent. If she has a modicum self-respect, she'll make sure you prove how serious you are before even agreeing to meet for coffee.

I hate Valentine's day, too.

woof.

"Eppur si muove." -- Galileo Galilei
"Nevertheless, it moves."

Maybe you're right but - by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #8 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:49:55 PM EST
 - I can't bear the thought of doing anything else to cause her pain and confusion. Also, I have already given her such mixed messages already that I have made it very hard for her to believe me.


--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

And let's not forget by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #16 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:17:41 PM EST
What ifs are always easier when looking to avoid action.

[ Parent ]
OK... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #18 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:23:49 PM EST
You have a valid point. I would like to think my above point is true - I really dont want to hurt her anymore. However, there may be a fear of rejection thing in here somewhere.

I am going to talk to her I just need to figure out how.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
YOU SPINELESS WIMP by Rogerborg (4.00 / 1) #9 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:54:38 PM EST
You know fine well what you have to do.  Get grovelling, or prepare yourself for a lifetime of regret.  At this juncture, I would even sanction poetry.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
Really, poetry?!? by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #12 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 10:58:47 PM EST
Are you sure? I'm in a lot of pain and would do most things to change that but POETRY?

Thats drastic.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Laugh it up by Rogerborg (2.00 / 0) #14 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:05:48 PM EST
In five years, the joke'll be on you.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]
Fair comment - by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #15 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:09:06 PM EST
Please don't think I'm not taking this seriously, I am fully aware of how painful regrets are when its too late to do anything about it.

However, poetry (good poetry in particular) is not a strong point of mine.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Eww! I didn't suggest *writing* it. by Rogerborg (4.00 / 0) #17 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:18:34 PM EST
Commision CheeseBurgerBrown to write you some, or maybe blixco if Ms Claire gets a buzz from the whole nihilistic thing.  Or I could give it a swing.

On your forgiveness I won't be banking,
But could I receive a damn good...

Hmm, planking?

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.

[ Parent ]
Oooohhh! by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #19 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:27:32 PM EST
I nearly made a big mistake there: very close to emailing my attempt 'Ode to my fair lady Claire'.

Thanks for your help, I may just rip some lyrics from the latest 50 cent track, he seems a nice romantic type...

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
heh by zantispam (2.00 / 0) #28 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 01:18:40 AM EST
'I love you like a fat kid loves cake' - that one made my SO giggle for about ten minutes.

Who knew Fitty was the Don Juan of the rap game?


What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

[ Parent ]
The boy sure can string a line together... by Alice Pulley (4.00 / 1) #29 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 01:25:16 AM EST
Of course, my personal favourite line is from 'Bizarre Ride to the Pharcyde':

Suck, suck, sucking on my neck like dracula,
but it wasn't all that spectacular,
I got a funny feeling like something was wrong,
I looked at her feet and her shoes were real long,
Then it hit me oh please god no,
Don't let this ho turn out to be a John Doe,
He pulled a fast one on me, yo.

Funny (and good) album.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Then he'll get all bitter by Dr H0ffm4n (4.00 / 1) #22 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 12:19:02 AM EST
and take up wizards an hobbits to work out his angst?

[ Parent ]
If that will help... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #23 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 12:37:01 AM EST
I am willing to try it.

Pass me a wand and a fake beard.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
For those who are demanding instant action: by Alice Pulley (4.00 / 1) #13 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:01:19 PM EST
Claire is in Turkey at the moment (and I am in UKia). I have a week to try and sort my head out and do something I guess.

I am also very much concerned with the feelings of the new girl, I can't think of a way to do this without hurting her and she absolutely doesn't deserve it.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

You're coming at this the wrong way by webwench (4.00 / 1) #20 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:38:32 PM EST
when it comes to The New Girl.

Instead of worrying about hurting her, keep these two points in mind:

1. You're doing her a kindness by allowing her to go out to find someone who will love her the way you love Claire. It would be cruelty to keep her around when you are still in love with someone else, only so you wouldn't feel guilty, or because you want a 'fallback option' in the event Claire won't have you back.

2. She's probably an adult who will take it reasonably. After all, no commitments have been made, you're not cohabiting, etc. Yes, she may be disappointed and sad, but after some time, she will probably come to be thankful for your honesty.

New Girl probably already has an idea that you risk some pain when you choose to love, and it doesn't really have anything to do with whether you 'deserve' to be hurt.

Does this help?


[ Parent ]
Thanks - by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #21 Sun Feb 13, 2005 at 11:55:51 PM EST
That helps.

I am very concious of not using her as a fall-back and I know that the right thing to do is talk to her first and when that is done then try and resolve things with Claire.

I don't doubt she will meet someone else who will make her happier than I can, I just feel bad that I have let this happen because I didn't realise how I felt when we first got together. I really thought Claire and I were done but its only the contrast of how I felt with her and how I feel with (a really cool) new person thats opened my eyes.

I will do the right thing and tell her - I will also make sure she knows that whatever happens, I care about her and will be her friend if she wants me to be.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Okay.. so.. by squigs (4.00 / 1) #24 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 12:42:06 AM EST
Firstly - a disclaimer.  This is just my view.  My advice may be rubbish. 

The new girl seems like more of a rebound.  If you're still thinking about your ex, this isn't the girl for you.  You're in a honeymoon period at the moment.  I just don't see it lasting.  Sorry. 

As for her thinking of you as a liar, if you stay together and pretend you love her, then you will be lying.  What's more important to you?  Honesty, or being seen as honest?  Erm, that wasn't a rhetorical question, even though it sounds like one. 

Claire may or may not want to get back together with you.  She certainly seems to like you.  You can only find out by asking.  And if you'd already broken up, there was no reason not to go out with someone else.  You haven't done anything wrong there. 

P.S.  See disclaimer at top.

Thanks - to all incidentally - by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #25 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 12:59:38 AM EST
This is actually helping me get things a bit straighter in my head.

a) I think the rebound comment has some truth but would say that I think that I could really go for this girl if I wasn't still into Claire. I know plenty of girls and didn't feel the urge to jump into bed with any of them, if I had met new girl another time things could have been different.

b) The honesty comment is an excellent point, its being honest vs seeming honest. I can't change how I felt then or feel now but I can tell her.

c) Claire would have gone back out with me. My decision to start seeing someone (even if I hadn't set out to do so this soon) has possibly changed that. Its easy to say to myself I have not done anything 'technically' wrong but my behaviour has and will upset people who I care about and don't deserve it.

I can't explain how hard this has been for Claire, she lost her home (we lived in my flat), felt that she had somehow failed in our relationship (when this was clearly more to do with my head than her), has not seen my family who she loves and vice versa because its too hard. She had every right to be very upset with me but wasn't mainly, I think, because she still loved me and wanted us to get back together - and then I start seeing someone else. Although I feel very strongly that I understand how I feel now, I almost don't want to mess with her head again. This doesn't mean I am not going to tell her how I feel, it means that I am not sure that now is the right time, I feel like I owe her a chance to get her own head straight...

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
YES YES YES by edward (2.00 / 0) #26 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 01:04:42 AM EST
Tell her all of that.

It sounds like you are willing to wait. Tell her that you are willing to wait. Tell her what you are telling us.

While it should be repeated that she might not ever be willing to get back to you, she also might be willing to get back to you if you can rebuild that trust. Offer her the time she needs, while ensuring that she knows how you're feeling.

[ Parent ]
Thank you sir... by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #27 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 01:12:26 AM EST
For that and previous comments. Again, this really has helped, I geuinely feel a bit clearer in my head about what I need to do, even if not particularly happy about some of it.

Thanks.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Hello by codemonkey uk (4.00 / 1) #30 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 01:48:14 AM EST
OMG. I agree with the others. You should call her or risk loosing her forever. It's not too late to give it another try.

I nearly lost Andie by taking her for granted ... it took seeing another man hitting on her to bring me to my senses. Fortunately I did something about it before it was too late.

--- Thad ---
Almost as Smart As you.

Hello sir. by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #31 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 03:25:22 AM EST
I know what I need to do is speak to both of them & I will do so in the next week or so.

I just can't believe I have managed to get myself in such a ridiculous situation when it all boils down to frankly being bored with life in general, projecting that onto Claire and then rather than try and make it better, splitting up with her.

Sigh. Why do I make things so complicated...?

Anyway, hope you + familial unit are doing OK.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
Hello sir. by Alice Pulley (2.00 / 0) #32 Mon Feb 14, 2005 at 03:28:18 AM EST
I know what I need to do is speak to both of them & I will do so in the next week or so.

I just can't believe I have managed to get myself in such a ridiculous situation when it all boils down to frankly being bored with life in general, projecting that onto Claire and then rather than try and make it better, splitting up with her.

Sigh. Why do I make things so complicated...?

Anyway, hope you + familial unit are doing OK.

--

'But they're adults and perfectly capable of working it out themselves. And if not, well, fuck em.' - Nebbish '06.

[ Parent ]
I hate Valentines day. | 31 comments (31 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback