I was living in relative comfort with a long-term girlfriend (we shall call her Claire, for accuracy). She is a beautiful person, is intelligent, has spent her whole working life working with diasadvantaged people, either kids with difficulties or for charities - genuinely someone whos life was based around helping others and just the love that she seems to feel for people in general. I was extremely angsty/self destructive when I was younger, Claire did more than anyone in my life to make me feel at peace & content, something which was precious to me.
Make no bones about it, I loved her very much. I was fully prepared to marry her and kind of broached the subject a couple of times about 2 years into our relationship but she kind of always said we had loads of time and there was no rush.
So, what happens?
Contentment starts to feel a bit boring. All the stuff that I loved so much in beginning started to be taken for granted - spending time with her, eating meals after work and talking, going out together - without being graphic, we didn't even make time for being intimate together.
So, I started spending more time going out with my friends than with Claire, I convinced myself that the grass is greener. I started getting home late and drunk and not making any efforts to spend time with her. When we were together, we seemed unable to focus on anything other than the things we do which annoyed each other and bicker.
I decided that things weren't working so I forced the situation and we split up. I should have taken stock and thought about everything that she meant to me and all the history we had and more than anything, how much I loved her and then tried to fix things but sadly I did not.
We stayed friends and I think she was hoping we would get back together. I was horribly, horribly torn between wanting to get back with her and missing her terribly and thinking that there was no point getting back together if things had gone wrong once before (I had been down this route previously with an ex and it was a very painful time).
So, thats where we were. Then I met an attractive, intelligent girl who seemed to like me. She asked me out and I agreed, thinking this would help me get over Claire. I told Claire I was seeing someone, it breaks her heart. I got on really well with the new girl, she is very keen on me and without meaning to be I am suddenly in a fairly serious relationship with her. I like her very, very much, even love her, love the newness and excitement , she is a fantastic, beautiful girl.
Guess what? I should be having the time of the life with this girl - and it has now made me realise quite how much I loved Claire. You can feel passionate love for someone very quickly (and I really do for the new girl), but to actually be strongly in love with someone, to feel that they make your life complete and that you want to grow old with them is a very different thing indeed. I miss talking to her. I miss holding her. I miss sitting next to her on the sofa. I miss waking up next to her and watching her while she is still asleep. I miss my niece talking about Uncle Alex & Auntie Claire. I can do these things with the new girl but it isn't the same: I love Claire with all my heart but I had just got used to it.
So, Claire is very upset with me and I have blown any chance we had of getting back together. The new girl is really happy at the fact we are together - I care about her loads but am keenly aware that the time we spend together makes me think more and more that I should be spending this time with Claire. I am going to have to admit to the new girl that I am not over Claire and that it is not right for me to be with her -0 that will make her very upset and probably make her think I have done nothing but lie to her (as its only actually being with her thats made me realise how I feel).
I also can't possibly tell Claire how I feel, I have messed her around too much already, caused her too much pain to backtrack now, I think I just deserve/need to be on my own for a while.
So, you can keep Valentines day.
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