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Diary
By clock (Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:10:30 AM EST) (all tags)
some days it just doesn't pay to chew through the straps.


5:45 am and the phone rings.  my eyes adjust enough to see $stbx on the display.  i pause for a second and realize that her parents are both having health issues.  that combined with the hour leads me to believe that someone is dead.  i answer.  there is sobbing.  no one is dead.  she doesn't want things to end.

i allow my mind to come into focus and quickly assess the situation.  this relationship is so far dead and buried that i can't imagine she's being serious.  it starts to feel like she's twisting the knife.  after a few minutes, i slowly bring the conversation to a close.  she hangs up and i roll over.

it's cold.  the sun is still beneath the horizon.  i have a doctor's appointment, so i don't have any motivation to be out of bed before 8.  i left the fan on and with only a sheet i am beginning to feel uncomfortable, but not enough to reach for a blanket.  i roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling in the dark.

i thank whatever powers there might be that i am sleeping again.  and my thoughts start to drift.  first to the painful and then, slowly, to the far brighter future.

it's difficult to admit that you've been in an abusive relationship.  even more so when one is male.  a rather large male at that.  it takes time to come to the conclusion that you've been manipulated.  that you've been treated more like a servant than a partner.  and it hurts to figure out that only at the end of things are you appreciated.  that it took your absence to drive home the fact that you were the one who made things work.  that burns like hell.

but i know what soothes that pain.  i have traveled deep inside of myself and found that there is a place in me that is solid.  my core is in tact.  i was damaged, but i have yet the strength and desire to heal.  i have forgiven myself for everything that i've done.  all of the time i've wasted.  all of the pain that i have brought upon myself.  i know in my heart that i'm the good guy.  i know that i've done all that i could do.  i'm human.  i've erred.  but i'm not evil.

i roll to my side and thoughts come to me in simple images.  i see what makes me smile.  i see her face.  lollipopgirl is not complicated.  she's human to a fault.  i've spent hours talking with her.  she's easy to read.  she's smart and funny.  and beautiful.  a rare and simple beauty.  a bright smile and deep eyes.  quick to laugh.  and such a gentle heart.

maybe that's more than i should say.  i don't know anymore.  i do know that i'm not going to navigate the world based on the standards set by others.  that's fucked up and got me where i am today.  i went searching for absolution and wound up on the receiving end of a karmic smack-down.  no.  i'll do things my way this time.  i will trust and follow my gut.  and right now, it's telling me that i know where i need to be.

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on early mornings | 29 comments (29 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Glad for You by Christopher Robin was Murdered (4.00 / 1) #1 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:16:29 AM EST
On the whole Good Ms. Lollipop thing. Sounds nice. Enjoy it.

i will. by clock (2.00 / 0) #3 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:18:01 AM EST
i'm really not worthy of her affections, but i'll take them as long as she'll give them.  an amazing woman, that one.

and thanks.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
sigged. by webwench (4.00 / 1) #2 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:16:59 AM EST
And yeah, you have your shit together. Good game.

"some days it just doesn't pay to chew through the straps." - clock

to be fair... by clock (2.00 / 0) #4 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:19:08 AM EST
...i'm pretty sure i stole that from somewhere...but i don't believe i've ever been sigged before...so we'll just ignore that.

and thank you.  every day it gets a little better.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
daily improvement by webwench (2.00 / 0) #7 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:22:19 AM EST
what else can a person ask for? :)

"some days it just doesn't pay to chew through the straps." - clock

[ Parent ]
i have some ideas... by clock (2.00 / 0) #8 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:25:36 AM EST
...but i'll just have to wait until things reach the necessary critical mass.  soon enough, methinks.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
oh lord. by dev trash (2.00 / 0) #28 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 04:54:52 PM EST
The list could be endless.

--
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BALLS! ->clock
[ Parent ]
Indeed you did. by Vulch (4.00 / 1) #13 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:40:26 AM EST

Emo Phillips is credited with it originally.

[ Parent ]
ding ding! by clock (2.00 / 0) #14 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:43:16 AM EST
makes perfect sense.  he's a funny, if odd, bloke.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
Whoa, he's a bloke? by MohammedNiyalSayeed (4.00 / 1) #23 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 12:16:54 PM EST

There goes that fantasy.


-
You can build the most elegant fountain in the world, but eventually a winged rat will be using it as a drinking bowl.
[ Parent ]
Emo Phillips by molasses (4.00 / 1) #29 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 05:49:49 PM EST
"Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps."

 I have this on my desk.  I stare at it every morning. 

I know the feeling all too well.

[ Parent ]
abusive relationship by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 2) #5 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:19:21 AM EST
that sucks, and i'm sorry.  i know exactly what that is like.

on to stupid things...have you figured out "speical" yet?  does she wear a watch?  Cartier Tank watches are nice and classic....

it happens... by clock (2.00 / 0) #6 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:21:39 AM EST
...and now it's almost (legally) over.

i'm not sure about special.  i'm altering my plan a bit.  just a bit.

wanna know something scary?  i have no idea if she wears a watch.  i've never paid attention.  and here i thought i was a detail man!  clearly, i suck.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
oh oh oh! by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #9 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:26:43 AM EST
today, i was informed mine would be legally over "any day now"!

if you don't do something special, what will you do?  maybe i don't want an answer to that.

sigh, perhaps it would safer to say away from jewelery and get her a motherboard instead?

[ Parent ]
congrats! by clock (2.00 / 0) #10 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:29:39 AM EST
being done will be nice!  you'll be a mcracky once more!  yay you!

oh...it'll be special.  i'm guessing a bit noisy (if i'm really lucky).  let's just say that i'll be treating her like a princess, minus the tiara.

a mobo huh?  i dunno.  she's not so good with the whole computars thing.  i'd rather make her a box than send her pieces.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
ew ew ew by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #11 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:34:32 AM EST
i don't need that kind of detail.

then computer equipment would be bad.  perhaps you should just stick with flowers.  do you even know what kind of flowers she likes?

[ Parent ]
oh relax! by clock (4.00 / 1) #12 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:38:29 AM EST
tmi?  for stacky?  pshaw!  i'm highly amused now.

i think i could nail flowers pretty well.  not a bad idea, that.  but i think i MIGHT have a really good idea brewing.  she'll never see it coming.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
ok by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #15 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:45:17 AM EST
i don't want to know the details of what goes on in not my bedroom.  concepts are ok, just not details.

btw - would she enjoy knowing her name is "lollipopgirl" ??

care to share your idea?

[ Parent ]
heh by clock (4.00 / 1) #16 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:47:41 AM EST
would that there were more like you...  concepts, eh?  well, i am trying to avoid any conceptions for the near future.  gimme a year.  heh.

i think she might.  she's very lickable.  oh, was that more tmi?

i'll share it when i'm good and ready!  i don't want to take a chance that she's found this site and my diary.  it would spoil things.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
well by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #17 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 10:55:59 AM EST
since you already professed your desire for me....

and i roll my eyes in your general direction.


[ Parent ]
yes, i did. by clock (2.00 / 0) #18 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 11:00:08 AM EST
i may have been hasty.  you'll have to duke it out with lollipopgirl if you truly wish to return my affections.

and for the record?  she'd lay you out.  she's graceful and beautiful, but she can be tough as nails.

eye rolling?  how quaint.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
hold on a minute here by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #19 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 11:01:43 AM EST
i never said i was interested in returning affections.  i just use you for entertainment when i don't feel like working.  let's not blow this out of proportion!

[ Parent ]
as long as we have that straight by clock (2.00 / 0) #20 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 11:04:13 AM EST
i mean, i'd hate to see what she'd do to you.  i mean, i've seen what she does to me and she >likes me!


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
did she bend your wookie? by MillMan (4.00 / 2) #21 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 11:13:35 AM EST

"Just as there are no atheists in foxholes, there are no libertarians in financial crises." -Krugman

[ Parent ]
nah... by clock (4.00 / 1) #22 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 11:15:18 AM EST
...let's just say that the bruises and scratches were...um...significant?


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
I reckon that Ms McR by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #24 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 02:17:14 PM EST
comes pretty high up the tough as nails school, but I can't remember from where. Hang on, I'll just look it up in my Husites Rolodex.

[ Parent ]
i am as sure as anyone can be... by clock (2.00 / 0) #26 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 03:06:54 PM EST
...that you're right.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
Abusive. by ambrosen (4.00 / 1) #25 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 02:19:21 PM EST
Funny thing, manipulation. Half the time the person doing it doesn't know.

Still, I don't know whether it's better to be collateral damage accidentally or deliberately. Onward and Upward. Rock on, boy.

And say hi to LiaD if you're ever in touch with the man.

true. by clock (2.00 / 0) #27 Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 03:08:48 PM EST
i'm sure she missed a lot of it.  but that really doesn't change anything.  not for me, at least.

damage is damage.  how it gets there rarely counts in this arena.  again, just my take on it.  and that's right...i'm rockin' on!

i will.  i should shoot him an email.  he's been too quiet for too long.  i'll give him a howdy-do from ya.


I agree with clock entirely --Kellnerin

[ Parent ]
on early mornings | 29 comments (29 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback