Print Story The Zombie Battle of Canowindra
By cam (Tue Nov 30, 2004 at 01:14:14 PM EST) (all tags)

Three bonged out farmhands, a cricket oval and a NSW country town full of zombies. Horror fiction was never this bad. Much fun and swearing ensues ......

Stacking Turf

Out in the Central Plains when the rain is scarce, the dust can kick up high behind a tractors tyres. Even with the Lachlan River providing the irrigation across the farms, the freshly cut turf dries out quick, leaving a trail of dust that lies thick in the mouth. Behind their tractor there was a large number of pallettes stacked high with rolls of turf - ready for the trucks to come in and load them up. Eugene tugged at his dirt stained "bug crapper" hat and said to noone in particular;

"Fuck'n flies."

He turned his head away from the dust that was coming from the cut paddock and squinted his eyes into the wind;

"How many more metres we gotta cut yet Delvene?"

"nine hundred"

Eugene did the calculations in his head, eighteen more pallettes. Not so bad, they should get out of here before sundown today. Delvene had his head turned toward the rear of the tractor, and Eugene was going to tell him to make sure he doesn't hit any pallettes when Delvene pointed;

"Is that Woos? - what the fuck's he doin'?"

Eugene hung out the back of the tractor, looking to where Delvene was motioning. Woos was clambering across the field in an uncoordinated manner. Eugene was pissed off at Woos, he had been moving irrigators on the back paddock while Woos had been up to the eyeballs in speed. Woos talked too much as it is, but on the goey he didn't shut up. When Woos talked, he didn't work.

"Mate, he looks like a zombie, " Eugene said watching Woos stumble toward them. "You know that fuck'n cunt would not shutup yesterday. He talked so fuck'n much his mouth frothed up. If he comes over here, speed up when he gets close, don't let him on the tractor. I want to piss that fucker off."

Delvene laughed; "Yeh that bastard will come over here and dribble his trivial bullshit. That's all he fuck'n does."

Delvene let him get close and then sped the tractor up, getting a laugh out of Eugene, but Woos's stride or speed hadn't changed. He looked completely unnatural. Eugene also noticed that he was frothing at the mouth and his facial skin was all broken and bloodied. Woos was a bullshit artist, but he wasn't unco. Eugene said,

"Woos is a fair dinkum zombie mate. Look at him. He's a fuck'n zombie."

Delvene laughed, "Like the horror movies?"

"I'm fuck'n serious, he's a deadset zombie. - You watch he wont be able to speak, and if Woos ain't speaking, then he must be dead. - Let him get close"

Delvene slowed the tractor down and Eugene lent off the back of the tractor, "Woos, tell us about that time you backed your 4WD off the boat ramp and got it bogged while the tide was coming in ...."

They heard some grunting but nothing intelligible. Woos managed to get close enough to lunge - teeth first - at Eugene. Delvene quickly upped the revs on tractor as Eugene leapt back and for a second the jump and change inertia of the tractor left Eugene teetering at the back of the tractor with the zombie Woos waiting for him to fall off. Eugene caught his balance after some spastic arm movements.

"Did you see that! The cunt tried to fuck'n bite me .... I told ya, he's a fuck'n zombie .... if they bite you, you turn into a fuck'n zombie too."

"How did he become a fuck'n zombie?" Delvene asked.

"I don't know, they just do." Eugene was digging around the floor of the tractor and pulled out a cricket bat that was wedged in-between a toolbox and the wheelwell. "You wake up one morning and everyone's turned into a fuck'n zombie."

"We have to tell Rod"

"Fuck Rod, we have to kill Woos first."

Delvene nodded, "OK, I will pull into the paddock with the irrigators running and do a wide circle, right." Delvene pulled off the paddock out onto the road, "I will drive past him and you can smack Woos in the face with the cricket bat."

"No worries mate." Eugene was grinning widely at the thought. Delvene shook his head, watching Eugene get the bat up, ready to be swung. "Woos is fucked now."


The top paddock had the huge irrigators running. They were fed by eight inch pipes from the Lachlan and shot out water with enough power that a big powerful stream of water would glide fifty metres across the paddock. On hot days the workers used to jump under the arc of the water at its very end and get pounded by the heavy water drops. None of them had the courage to put their hands in the water directly ahead of the irrigators.

Delvene drove the tractor ahead of Woos in a wide fast circle and then tightened his turn, curling under the wide arc of water from the irrigators. The big old tractor's cutting arm clanged away as it bashed against the side of the tractor with the turn. Eugene braced himself against the ledge on the side, his foot wedged against the lip of the cutting arm. Woos continued to stumble toward the tractor and Eugene moved his finger against the cricket bat in sweaty anticipation. Delvene gunned the tractor, swerving at the last moment and Eugene swung.

There was a soft pop as the cricket bat connected with the skull of the zombie and met almost zero resistance. The zombies body continued to waddle behind the tractor in a twitching movement as it fell, while the head leapt from the bat; rolling out in front of the tractor. Delvene and Eugene looked at each other in bewilderment;

"His head came off easy." Delvene said.


The convulsing movements of the body were slowing down until the body lay still as Delvene pulled up the tractor next to it.

"Guess we better check it." Eugene said as he swiped the blood from the cricket bat. "Oh yeah, almost forgot, don't get no blood in your mouth. Turns you into a fuck'n zombie too."

Delvene was off the tractor standing over the body, tapping it with his toe. When his attention was diverted by another tractor coming down the road. "You reckon it is Rod?" Delvene said.

"Dunno. He can't be a zombie if is driving a tractor. Those fuckers can barely walk."

Rod pulled up in his tractor beside them, not giving the decapitated body a second glance. "What are those cunts up to?" He said pointing to two stumbling zombies on the far side of the irrigators. "They fuck'n kept chasing me while I was trying to mow."

"Those bastards are zombies. Woos was a fucking zombie too." Eugene said pointing at the body with the cricket bat.

"How did you fuck'n tell that cunt was a zombie?" Rod laughed.

The two zombies that were chasing Rod had by this time reached the irrigators. The first one waddled into the line of the water when the valve opened. His head went across the paddock like it had been shot out of a cannon.

"Their heads came off easy." Rod commented.

The second one was oblivious to the fate of the first and walked into the next high pressure pulse of water. His head went sailing across the paddock and cleared the boundary fence.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Rod said.

"Probably not" Delvene replied.

Rod wasn't deterred; "Lets nick the Bush Fire Brigade truck, head into town and hose the heads off some zombie bastards. But first - lets have a few bongs."

Delvene laughed. "Rod and his fuck'n bongs. Always fuck'n bonging on."

"Going zombie killing when you're stoned, never done that before." Eugene muttered.


Nicking the fire truck hadn't been an issue, it was mid-week and the Bush Fire Brigade house only got used when there was a bush fire or a fund raiser on. Rod had powered up the two hoses on the truck, which he fed up to the two turrets on the top of the truck. As Rod drove down the road, Delvene and Eugene were perched in the turrets with their high pressure hoses at the ready.

The outskirts of town were largely deserted, only a couple of zombies hanging around that got their heads squirted off pretty quick. But as the fire truck got closer to the park in the centre of town, they noticed the zombies grouping around and on the town's cricket oval.

"Why they all there? They like cricket or something?" Delvene asked Eugene.

"Makes sense mate, in America the zombies go to the mall, in England they go to the pub. The dumb fuck Aussie zombies go to the cricket." Eugene replied.

As Rod drove the truck closer, they could start to hear the chanting of the zombies above the sound of the trucks engine.

"What they saying Delvene?" Eugene asked.

"Sounds like oi, oi, oi?" he replied.

"That does it, hose the fuckers down" Eugene yelled, and with that battle cry, Rod floored the accelerator pedal in the truck. The zombies stopped their chanting and the ones nearest turned to rush the truck. The fire hoses sent out a long powerful stream of silver coloured water that started knocking large numbers of zombie heads off.

The zombies kept coming in never-ending waves; getting closer and closer to the truck. Canowindra had always seemed like a small town to Eugene, that was until you counted the population as zombies that needed their heads blow off. The town suddenly wasn't so small anymore.

"There are too many!" Delvene yelled. "Get outta here!"

Rod turned the truck away from the zombies, running over several of them in the process and then sped away from the slowly waddling zombies who were attempting to chase the fire truck.

"We need another plan." Delvene said.

"The irrigators were out in the middle of the cricket pitch. You see them?" Eugene said, "If we could get to the pump and turn them on. Then we could drive in circles around them while the zombies followed us and decapitated themselves like the stupid fuck'n zombies they are."

They banged on the roof of the truck and relayed the plan to the bloodshot eyed Rod. This time Rod set the sirens off and blared Rose Tattoo's "Bad Boy For Love" through the exterior speakers. The truck passed by the only stand on the oval, knocking zombies out of the way as it rumbled past on its way to the Greenkeepers shed. As they got close Rod pulled the handbrake and they screeched to a halt. Rod and Eugene jumped out to turn the irrigators for the cricket oval on.

They kicked in the closet and armed themselves with spades from the shed walls.

"Where's the fuck'n pump switch?" Eugene yelled.

"Dunno, have a look in the back of the shed"

Delvene was madly hosing the heads of zombies off outside, but hiding in the back of the shed was the greenkeeper who jumped out and bit Eugene before Rod could knock the zombie's head off with the spade.

"Ah fuck, I've been bitten." Eugene said. Rod quickly punched Eugene as hard as he could in the face. Eugene fell over into the back of the shed with the force of the blow.

"I'm not a fuck'n zombie yet Rod." Eugene said while getting up holding his nose.

"Oh, OK sorry"

Eugene looked behind where the zombie greenkeeper had been hiding and found the pump switch. They ran back out to the truck while the irrigators began knocking off the heads of the zombies. Rod drove the truck around the oval, dragging a crowd of zombies behind them directly into the stream of the irrigators - heads were flying everywhere.

Delvene and Eugene were aiming the fire truck hoses at the zombies that were by luck avoiding the main irrigators. After several laps of the cricket oval, the towns supply of zombies were now all headless. Delvene, Rod and Eugene all stood at square leg surveying the damage.

"I've been bit fellas. Soon I will turn into a zombie and try to bite you blokes." Eugene said.

"That's orright." Rod said cheerily, "We will blow your head of with the hoses when you do."

"Nah, I'll go and blow my own head off now with the irrigators." Eugene said.

Eugene trudged slowly toward the irrigators in the centre of the oval. He paused before the nearest one, looking back at his mates, and then stuck his head in the high pressure stream of water.

"Owwwww fuck. That hurt." Eugene cried, falling over backwards, feeling that his head was still attached to his shoulders. "How long does it take to turn into an zombie?"

He got up again and walked into the high pressure stream of water with the same result.

"How many times do you reckon he will do it?" Rod said.

"Dunno, he is a pretty stubborn bastard, so probably 'til his head comes off." Delvene replied.


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The Zombie Battle of Canowindra | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
Nice by sien (6.00 / 1) #1 Tue Nov 30, 2004 at 01:46:14 PM EST
Truly an Australian icon.

Nobody knows anything - William Goldman.
Hey, I've been there by Greener (6.00 / 1) #2 Tue Nov 30, 2004 at 01:56:25 PM EST
I did a road trip with some friends one weekend to go see the Parkes radio telescope. Went from Sydney through Lithgow, Orange, Parkes, Forbes and Cowra. Beautiful countryside, never saw any zombies though.

Photo by sien (3.00 / 0) #3 Tue Nov 30, 2004 at 03:55:16 PM EST
Is that photo from around there? It's sooo green.

Nobody knows anything - William Goldman.
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Nearby by Greener (3.00 / 0) #4 Tue Nov 30, 2004 at 04:35:02 PM EST
It's taken from a hill next to the Japanese gardens in Cowra around 40km south of Canowindra according to Cam's map. I have a shitty scanner so I enhanced the colours to make it look like the actual photo but I may have gone a little overboard. Looking at other pictures from that weekend the area doesn't look particularly parched. The mate I was with described the landscape as a very English countryside only bigger so it couldn't have been too dry at the time. The photo was taken in September 2002 a few months before the drought in NSW got really bad.

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The Zombie Battle of Canowindra | 4 comments (4 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback