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By gazbo (Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:10:11 PM EST) (all tags)
Witty intro/song lyrics

Inside: TV license people are dicks!  Sleep paralysis!


TV license:

I moved house a couple of months ago, and sure enough got a letter for the new place saying they didn't have a license for that address.  Busted.  So I paid online, and all is well.  FOREVER!

Then last week I got a threatening letter (red ink and everything!) about how they are going to send someone round to check for a TV, and then fine me a grand etc.  This morning I checked my email records, and sure enough I have a confirmation of payment.  To double-check, I checked my credit card account, to see that I have in fact been debited 3 weeks ago.  Dicks.  Well, when they send someone round I shall, in my best diplomatic voice, explain to them and all will be well.  FOREVER!

Seems the same thing happened to my brother, but diplomacy is not his strong-point.  He has just crafted and sent this letter.  Those who read my K5 diaries back in the day may recall me explaining how both he and I are very well educated, but utterly foul-mouthed.  The opening salutation should be a prime example:


Dear low paid anachronistic motherfucker,

Despite my strong moral objections to the archaic and worthless institution of a TV licence that is your miserable fucking job to enforce, I pay my TV licence and always have.  You FUCKING tits.

Were it not for the shocking ineptitude of every fucking state sanctioned fucking cartel, I may have been surprised to receive this morning... a threatening letter.  This letter suggested that, shock horror, if I don't pay my licence, I will face a fine of up to a grand.  Now, obviously to you miserable little cunts a grand is a lot of cash, but to me it's fuck all; small change; nil; nada.  but I digress.

No fine applies to me, as I explained to some telephone fuckwit of yours around two weeks ago when I moved house from [old address] to [new address]

Yes, I followed your outdated and ultimately doomed guidelines to the fucking letter, but still you feel the need to fucking insult me by accusing me of being some kind of cunting criminal.  Update your records and FUCK OFF.

Kindest regards,

Paul.

Sleep paralysis:

I saw a documentary a while ago about sleep paralysis - where you're more or less awake, but as in sleep your higher brain has no control over your muscles.  Apparently very common is terrifying hallucinations, starting with the absolute certain feeling of a presence in the room, commonly involving a disfigured old woman appearing, kneeling on top of you and crushing you so you can't breathe.  This goes on for a couple of minutes until you finally properly wake up, and the spell is broken.

Well, last night it happened to me.

Because of how I was lying, I couldn't see anything so visual hallucinations were out, but it started with the exact same feeling that someone was in the room with you.  Then there were vividly audible sounds, before I finally felt something climb on top of me, and I felt crushed.  No, seriously, I actually felt it.

I tried to move my arms, but they just would not respond at all.  Then I heard the woman whisper into my ear, clear as day, "Gary".  OK, obviously my brain's not great at conversation.  Then I tried moving again, and this time just managed to flick my foot a fraction.  The tiniest movement and it was all finished immediately.

I rate this experience 6/10.  Y'see the thing is, I'd've expected this to be terrifying as people said, but I really don't see how it's any different from a nightmare.  See on the one hand, it should be worse because everything is so vivid and real.  But, because I was mostly awake, I thought "hey - this must be that sleep paralysis thing I heard about!"

So it was unsettling, but it's hard to be scared if you know it's just a hallucination.

I wonder if I'd have actually experienced the same thing if I hadn't heard in advance about the whole being crushed by woman thing?

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Poll
Sleep paralysis (with hallucinations)
- Never had it, sounds OK 31%
- Never had it, sounds terrifying 31%
- Had it rarely, not too bad 25%
- Had it rarely, terrifying 6%
- Have it all the time, not too bad 6%
- Have it all the time, terrifying 0%

Votes: 16
Results | Other Polls
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- k5
- gazbo's Diary
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Licenses and paralysis | 56 comments (56 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback
If you think that's bad... by random (5.50 / 2) #2 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:23:15 PM EST
... try not owning a TV. They'll harass you for months, over and over again, not believing that you don't actually need to buy a fucking license. Even sending recorded delivery letters to wake you up at 6.30 in the morning.

At the last place I had to file a complaint about their harassment to get them to stop. This time they're getting no mercy, nor cooperation.



Data protection act? by squigs (5.00 / 1) #5 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:36:53 PM EST
Is the TV Licencing authority exempoted by this act?  If not, I'm sure you could demand to be removed from their database. 

btw - I'm slightly jealous that you get mail at 6:30 am. 

[ Parent ]

Oh, scratch that idea... by squigs (5.00 / 1) #8 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:42:53 PM EST
They only list addresses don't they.  Nothing peronally identifiable.

[ Parent ]

Yeah, can't do anything about it. by random (5.00 / 1) #10 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:58:21 PM EST
This time I'm refusing to give them my name. There's no compulsion for me to do anything. I don't even have to talk to them.

[ Parent ]

Shops by Vulch (5.00 / 2) #12 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:01:52 AM EST

If you buy equipment for which a licence is required, the retailer has to pass your details on.

Note to Tesco Infidels: A licence is *not* required for a DVD player.

[ Parent ]

Erm? by random (5.00 / 1) #30 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:51:39 AM EST
Since I have no TV, have not bought one, do not intend to buy one, they have no right to go anywhere near me or know my name.

[ Parent ]

VCR's count too by Dr H0ffm4n (5.00 / 1) #38 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:05:57 AM EST
As do any type of equipment with a reciever in. E.g. tuner cards.

[ Parent ]

Funnily enough... by random (5.00 / 1) #41 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:32:01 AM EST
... I don't have any device with a TV tuner in it. I do not need a TV license. Really, I don't.

You lot are just as bad as TV Licensing.

[ Parent ]

Ding dong by Dr H0ffm4n (5.00 / 1) #42 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:41:21 AM EST
You don't have a TV licence? You know that's an offence, don't you? I'd get that sorted if I were you.

[ Parent ]

Pedants calling by Vulch (5.00 / 1) #44 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:49:30 AM EST

I do not need a TV license

Ah, but do you need a licence?

Ahem...

run away!

[ Parent ]

If it's only addresses by ad hoc (5.00 / 1) #43 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:44:47 AM EST
then how do they get the phone number? Isn't your name the linking factor between address and phone?
--

[ Parent ]

6.30 by random (5.00 / 1) #11 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:59:10 PM EST
Only if it has to be signed for. Otherwise it was about 10am. Bizarre really.

[ Parent ]

What you need to do by komet (5.00 / 1) #13 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:06:40 AM EST
is connect a timer-switch to your doorbell.

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

Maybe by random (5.00 / 1) #32 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:54:08 AM EST
But then, if it's something I actually wanted, then I'd probably be OK about a 6.30 wake up call. It's only the fuckwits who me crap that I object to.

[ Parent ]

Oh FFS by random (5.00 / 1) #33 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:56:59 AM EST
who me crap -> who send me crap.

It's one of those days.

[ Parent ]

Oh, have you not got a TV then? by Rogerborg (5.00 / 1) #14 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:27:49 AM EST
I feel sure I'd remember you mentioning something like that.

Yes, fuckwits.  I bought a freeview box for my mother, and foooolishly gave my real address.  As our license is register to Mrs Borg, I got the inevitable letter.  You know, to the same residential address as has already got a license on their oh-so-infallible computer system.  Against my advice, she phoned them and seems to think that's an end of the matter.

I think you and I know better.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]

Oh, have you got a TV then? by random (5.00 / 1) #31 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:53:01 AM EST
I feel sure I'd remember you mentioning all the shite TV you watch.

Enjoy the harassment! You know it's only for your own good.

[ Parent ]

Whee! Battlestar Galactica tonight! by Rogerborg (5.00 / 1) #50 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 05:26:11 AM EST
Thanks for reminding me.

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.
[ Parent ]

niggle by Merekat (5.00 / 1) #3 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:24:53 PM EST
In comparison to harrassing people for the license, there merely an annoying niggle about buying one here. They don't tell you it only applies from the first of the month you buy it in. So, if your license is going to expire over a weekend you either have to be without one for a period of time or overlap by a month.



Could be worse. by ambrosen (5.00 / 1) #4 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:30:30 PM EST
I have to pay 5 or 6% on every bit of branded goods I buy, just so other people can watch TV that doesn't require a license fee.

Actually, next time I actually get myself in posession of an actual home, where I actually belong, I'll be having a TV license.



Sleep oddities. by Evil Cloaked User (5.00 / 1) #6 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:37:02 PM EST
Is that what that is then? I had something similar a while back. Thought to myself, "I don't really like this crushing lark. And what the hell is that fucker doing in my room? Sod that - time to wake up fully!"

Job done, properly awake. An obscure but occasionally handy talent to have.


--
Still, I think most of the problem is just a mental hurdle to overcome, - Cloaked User


No, that was CGG crushing you... by Dr H0ffm4n (5.00 / 2) #39 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:08:10 AM EST


[ Parent ]

You really are fixated. by Evil Cloaked User (5.00 / 1) #48 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 04:43:47 AM EST
MvOnPlsThx.


--
Still, I think most of the problem is just a mental hurdle to overcome, - Cloaked User
[ Parent ]

Sleep paralysis by gadicath (5.00 / 1) #7 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:37:24 PM EST
I used to get it a bit more often, and haven't had it for a year or two now.  However, I can't ever say I felt like there was a presence in the room, and definitely no old women whispering stuff in my ear.

Overall an unpleasant experience the first time or two, but once you know what it is you get over it.
--
Manifesto hostes furnulum pani me abduxerunt


Sleep paralysis by nebbish (5.00 / 1) #9 Sun Oct 17, 2004 at 11:58:03 PM EST
I didn't think it had to be that specific - I thought it was just those times when you are half awake / half asleep, semi dreaming, unable to wake up properly, feel trapped. I used to get that a lot on amphetamine comedowns, and still get it every few months.

--------
It's political correctness gone mad!


What counts as an 'old woman' for you? by Rogerborg (6.00 / 6) #15 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:29:29 AM EST
Grass on the pitch?

-
Metus amatores matrum compescit, non clementia.


WIPO by Cloaked User (5.00 / 1) #16 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:32:55 AM EST
Never had it, sounds scary the first time or two, then meh once you get used to it, or meh straight away if you're already aware of it.


--
This is not a psychotic episode. It is a cleansing moment of clarity.


Well ... by Herring (5.50 / 2) #17 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:39:15 AM EST
I was going to post something about "being crushed by an old woman from above" being a bit like one of Thrustgood's real life experiences, but I wont.

I have experienced stuff recently (generally being going back to sleep in the morning) where I seem to have entered REM* without actually falling asleep properly. Don't know if this is down to medication or alcohol, but it's fucking odd. Dreaming whilst semi-awake.

* Yeah, post if you like but it's not funny.



good by martingale (5.00 / 1) #21 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:54:12 AM EST
Lucky you didn't post that comment, or I might have posted a comment asking whether this would be any better or worse than being crushed by two old women from both above and below simultaneously, and if Dr Thrustgood would care to elaborate on relevant said experiences.

Good show, you saved us both from embarassment.
--
$E(X_t|F_s) = X_s,\quad t > s$
[ Parent ]

Gary? by By The Grace of God (5.00 / 1) #18 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:43:23 AM EST
Is that short for Garibald, or Gareth or some other silly UKian name? :P

God, am I sorry. -Jack Nicholson


you silly by komet (5.00 / 1) #20 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:51:51 AM EST
it's short for "gazbo".

--
<ni> komet: You are functionally illiterate as regards trashy erotica.
[ Parent ]

Funnily enough... by gazbo (6.00 / 1) #23 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:18:21 AM EST
Technically, it's not short for anything - just Gary.  However I discovered a few years ago that it's kinda short for...wait for it...Garfield.

When I was named, my dad suggested Gary as the name, and my mother agreed.  What she and I found out a few years back was that my dad came up with the name in honour of Garfield Sobers.  If my mum had known I'd been named after a cricketer, she'd never have allowed it.

I'm impressed he managed to keep it a secret for 20 years or so.

"Engarde!" cried the larvae, huskily. - Scrymarch

[ Parent ]

Things by Herring (6.00 / 2) #27 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:31:04 AM EST
I have a friend called Barry. We managed to convince a couple of dimwitted mates that it was short for "Barold".

A few years ago, I discovered that I shared my two first names with a character from The Archers. Yes, my mum is an avid fan. My parents deny that this is the reason and state that my stupid second name is inherited from my grandfather on my dad's side.

PS "Sobers" Ha, ha.

[ Parent ]

My dad's name is Gary by DesiredUsername (5.00 / 1) #45 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:50:16 AM EST
But it's not short for anything either. It's long for "G", which is his entire middle name. His first name is too dorky for even him to use.

---
Now accepting suggestions for a new sigline
[ Parent ]

Sleep paralysis by MrPlough (5.00 / 1) #19 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 12:48:47 AM EST
When it happened me once I was convinced there was an evil rabbit in the bed with me and it was thrashing about a lot... still happens occaisionally but without the rabbit, and now that I know what it is I can generally get out of it.

No work.


How did you know it was evil? by rdskutter (5.00 / 2) #22 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:13:25 AM EST
Nibble on Tasty Carrots.

"BEEN A BIT CARELESS HAVEN'T WE" - Mr Death
[ Parent ]

It was trying to eat through my chest by MrPlough (5.00 / 1) #53 Wed Oct 20, 2004 at 10:12:15 PM EST
Not Great
No work.
[ Parent ]

Y'know by gazbo (5.00 / 1) #26 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:25:42 AM EST
I'm sure there's a sig in there somewhere.
"Engarde!" cried the larvae, huskily. - Scrymarch

[ Parent ]

Go for it ;) by MrPlough (5.00 / 1) #54 Wed Oct 20, 2004 at 10:13:17 PM EST

No work.
[ Parent ]

Sleep Paralysis by zantispam (5.50 / 2) #24 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:18:26 AM EST
My two worst episodes did not involve women.

#1 all time scariest (and recurring to boot) started when I was about ten or so.  I would dream that I was lying on my back in a stream or river on the stream bed with only my nose and mouth above water.  The first couple of times I had this one, it lasted for what seemed like hours.  I couldn't move, couldn't make a sound, and even knowing that I was dreaming didn't help.  After a while, I'd eventually start whimpering (once even bawling like a big girl's blouse) and that would eventually allow me to wake up.

Variations on that dream involved either having had my throat cut or having been shot in the chest.  The theme seemed to be dragging out the moment of my death for as long as possible.

Needless to say, drowning is one of my greatest fears.

#2 all time scariest involved me being a soldier and having been shot in the (head|chest).  This one would recur too.  Couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't wake up even when I knew it was a dream.

Honorable Mention (because it didn't involve sleep paralysis) goes to the time I went to go visit my Grandmother in Hell.


What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!


Yikes! by gazbo (5.00 / 1) #25 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:22:30 AM EST
I've had the whole throat slitting thing, but as part of a dream.  As I remember it, it wasn't too bad; the anticipation was bad, but once it happened I felt no pain, obviously didn't suffer any harm (I wonder how one would dream of being dead?) so it really didn't bother me.

Visiting your grandmother in hell does not sound like the sort of dream that puts a spring in your step for the following morning.

"Engarde!" cried the larvae, huskily. - Scrymarch

[ Parent ]

I felt pain by zantispam (5.50 / 2) #28 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:33:32 AM EST
as well as the undenyable understanding, the finality of being dead.  I.  Was.  Dead.

Except it was that instant between when one dies and when the realization of that event occurs.  And it lasted forever.  shudder

Visiting your grandmother in hell does not sound like the sort of dream that puts a spring in your step for the following morning.

Especially when you're seven.


What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
[ Parent ]

eternity by martingale (5.00 / 2) #34 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 02:23:39 AM EST
Yeah, seven is about the right age for realizing the meaning of eternity. I was about that old when I realized what it meant to die sometime, and you'd be dead, and there'd be nothing, and you'd be dead, and it would go on, and on, and you'd still be dead, and there'd be nothing, and nothing would be happening, and it would go on like that. Got real uncomfortable that particular night.
--
$E(X_t|F_s) = X_s,\quad t > s$
[ Parent ]

Not like in by Dr H0ffm4n (5.00 / 1) #40 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:13:56 AM EST
Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey? Where she tries to kiss you with tongues?

[ Parent ]

Add in Mr Plough's Rabbit by TPD (5.00 / 1) #47 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:55:44 AM EST
and that film has a lot to answer for!

Rock Hard Abs are just a sw-sw-swivel away!
[ Parent ]

WIPO by Herring (5.00 / 1) #29 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 01:41:30 AM EST
Feel paralysed and tortured? Can't do anything?

Sounds like work.



or maybe by martingale (6.00 / 1) #35 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 02:25:08 AM EST
An ambulance chaser commercial. (I'm told, never seen one).
--
$E(X_t|F_s) = X_s,\quad t > s$
[ Parent ]

Where there's blame, there's a claim by Herring (5.00 / 1) #36 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 02:26:59 AM EST
I wish. Just checking the CAB website to see if they can advise me about what I can claim for the job turning me into a depressive alcoholic. Can I charge them for the last 3 years beer bill?

[ Parent ]

well by martingale (5.00 / 1) #37 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 02:33:14 AM EST
Can I charge them for the last 3 years beer bill?
See, the problem is, you pissed it all away...
--
$E(X_t|F_s) = X_s,\quad t > s$
[ Parent ]

TV Licence People by Bob Dog (5.00 / 1) #46 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 03:51:35 AM EST
Can't you just tell em to fuck off if they show up at your door?  You can where I live.
--



tv paralysis by 606 (5.00 / 1) #49 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 05:16:39 AM EST
Number one: you guys have to have a license to own a TV? What the hell? Did the communists win or something? How much does it cost to license a TV? Funny letter, though.

Number two: sleep paralysis. Yes, I've had it. I can actually bring it on if I want to, but usually I don't. I can't believe you folks can just "shake it off", it brings about in me a feeling of absolute, irrational terror. I think, in fact, that sleep paralysis is linked with night terrors (which are different and supposedly ten times worse than traditional nightmares).

Anyway, to have a sleep paralysis moment is very easy for me. All I have to do is lie on my back, and it progresses like this:

At about five minutes, I get a feeling of unease and a sort of tingle in my upper spine.

At ten minutes, I get the feeling there is something in the room with me, just in the corner of my vision. It's not a woman, for me, it doesn't really have definition, but it is someone or something in black.

At fifteen minutes, I hear audible halucinations and my spine is absolutely buzzing. The sound comes in waves, first quiet and then growing in intensity with a heightening of the buzzing feeling, then receding. I can tell you exactly what it sounds like: go get the song "The State We're In" by the Chemical Brothers (30 sec sample here.) Do you hear that buzzing sound at the beginning in the background? It's faint but every once in a while jumps out, with a constant pitch but wavering sort of filtering. That's it exactly.

At twenty minutes I'll hear a word or name spoken clearly in an unfamiliar voice, though no one is in the room. At that point I struggle to roll over. The feeling of fear is too intense. It takes me a while to force my body to move, but eventually it does, and the buzzing stops.

Interesting footnote about this phenomena: when you go to sleep, for the last four minutes of consciousness before you're truly asleep, psychologists believe you are in this exact state, with hallucinations and all. However, as soon as you actually get to sleep, your brain wipes all memory of those four minutes since they're not very pleasant.

-----
imagine dancing banana here


TV license by random (5.00 / 1) #51 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 06:01:47 AM EST
Given the effects TV has on people, we in communist UKia consider them to be as potentially lethal as guns. Therefore, just as you have to have background checks and get properly licensed to own a gun, you have to have a license to operate a TV.

[ Parent ]

freedom by 606 (5.00 / 1) #52 Mon Oct 18, 2004 at 06:08:45 AM EST
What, really? You know that when the revolution comes the government is gonna use those records to come to your home and confiscate all your TVs. Then you'll be powerless to... be ill-informed and lazy I suppose.

-----
imagine dancing banana here
[ Parent ]

TV license by RapidHamster (5.00 / 1) #55 Thu Oct 21, 2004 at 06:43:08 AM EST
Are you actually licensing the fact that you own a TV, or does it pay for programming (shows)? If the latter, what happens if you have satellite and do not use local airwaves?

Oh and.....

BOOBS!

plspstpixkthx



TV Licensing by gazbo (3.00 / 0) #56 Mon Oct 25, 2004 at 03:47:33 AM EST
OK, the idea is that the license pays for everything BBC - TV, radio, everything.  In practice that means you pay for the TV; there might be some way of proving that you don't/can't watch BBC and hence avoid paying it, but I wouldn't be sure.

In return, what we get is the BBC channels (as well as radio, website etc) that are not advert supported.  Not a single commercial.  The argument goes that by not being supported by adverts, they are not a slave to market-share, and hence can produce intelligent, high quality, and educational (indeed I believe they might be mandated to make a certain number of the latter) programs, rather than pandering to whatever the drooling masses are calling for this year.  Though they do that too.

Whether that's a trade-off worth £120 a year is a separate discussion.

"Engarde!" cried the larvae, huskily. - Scrymarch

[ Parent ]

Thanks by RapidHamster (3.00 / 0) #57 Mon Oct 25, 2004 at 07:03:01 AM EST
If only BBC would make more Coupling episodes. Damn fine show that one. I'd say that 120 a year is not bad for commercial free TV. How many channels does that cover, and how man channels would be a normal basic cable lineup? Without the movie channels etc.

[ Parent ]

Licenses and paralysis | 56 comments (56 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback

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