In a drunk diary the other night, someone mentioned that growing up poor never leaves you. I don't know if that's entirely true; maybe I wasn't poor enough, but I've tried very hard to structure my life so that I don't have to worry about money, because I just don't want to, and I resent it somewhat when circumstances mean that I have to.
I've chickened out/ been pragmatic and decided to continue at $Birmingham job, which will mean that CurvyGirl is in London and I'm in the Midlands for the next 3 months, so we're currently trying to optimize commute/living costs to make this work out.
My birthday is Friday, and that always triggers feelings of introspection and backwards-looking at this time of year; another year around the sun, another time to take stock of my life and see how things are the same and how they are different, how I am growing and how I am stagnating, etc, and to look forward to a new year.
This year is particularly hard.
The last year has been one of the worst years of my life. I don't say that lightly; i'm comparing it to the year I got thrown out of school, or the year I got burned out and quit my job only to have my resignation rejected, or the year that my relationship with my mother and her fourth husband deteriorated to the point that I ran away from home. I can say honestly that this year ranks with them. It's been a painful, soul-wrenching, tragic year. It included the first time in my life that I've actually contemplated suicide, and it doesn't get much worse than that.
And at the same time, it's been a very good year. I have learned more in the last year - more about myself, more about the people in my life, more about how to live, and how to share, and how to be with people without trying to merge with them, than I have in any previous year. I come out of the year stronger and healthier and smarter than I went into it, more aware of myself and my surroundings, better able to allow myself to feel empathy and love and experience the beauty in other people without needing to sacrifice myself in the hopes of making them like me. It's been a great development, and I'm a much better person for it, and I think that my friendships and relationships will be stronger than they were before this year, because of it.
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