I came to an emotional cross roads earlier this year. I felt a bit of a zombie. Unable to focus or really put myself into anything I was doing, whether it was school, work, I just felt suspended. Disconnected from myself. It’s a good thing I have acquired the reserve cache of energy that I have or I am not sure what I would have done. But I always feel like that- I always look back and think, "Damn. How did you ever pull yourself out of that mess? Jesus. That was something awful." But whenever I find myself "in it" so to speak, I never see it as bad or as awful as it really is, in its present state.

It’s strange because mostly, people always look back and think, "Gosh, that wasn’t as bad as I though it was, still I’m glad to be out that mess." Oh no, not with me. With me, if I really knew how awful it could get emotionally, there’d be no way I’d even attempt to make efforts… My spirit is naturally light, but how I indulge in darkness! But all the while, I heal, grow stronger, and grow more and more into the self that I envision and dream about. I have to say, all in all, the beatings I have taken, have really been blessings and have brought me closer and closer to my self, and she’s "the cat’s pajamas" if you must know ; )

My heart and mind, they work together as a team sometimes to trick me into healing. "Come on! Fifty miles running without food is a cinch. You know you can do it! You are amazing. You are fit and strong" And I listen, even though I know in reality I am severely out of shape and not at all ready for the battlefield that is the dealing of my emotions, head on. Scary stuff. This metaphor of the running of fifty miles straight without energy or nutrition might entail, in real life, tears for days on end, days caged inside, the allowance of failures and acceptance of mistakes, and the indulgence of sad and stressful emotions. There’d be no way I’d have indulged myself if my heart and mind didn’t insist on this and practically trick me into barricading me into my own emotional cavity. What a way to live- sad, lonely, angry, rejected. No way I’d volunteer for that! But to get to the other side, you have to walk through these crazy awful fire tests. There is no other way. The bottle, the pill, the surrogate rebound, the guru, the god, the needle, the job, the head-in-sand-ass-in-air, the daydreams, in short there are no short cuts between healing the relationship between you and your self. It’s just you with you in this game. And played right, everyone’s a winner =) And each day, stronger and more in love than ever before. The results so far, absolutely, stunning. Little devils. I love them. This is know to be true.

So this year, I listened to myself, sat down and said, "All right. What is it that you need from me to be happy? What can I do to get your trust and confidence back? What are your issues with me?" And well, she told me a few things. Quiet a few, actually!

I have avoided tomatoes. Yes, the bane of all of my problems! I always joke with Julia when she asks me how I’m doing, and I always say, "I’m great! I’m happy! No more tomatoes!" Been this way for most of the year now. I was thinking the other day, "OK. Left shoe, you can drop now. I’m ready. Go ahead. I can take it." The shoe is still on. Strong. I have a great shoe and it fits!!!! Hahahaha! So cliché. Still, the shoe is my self that I am slowly reuniting with my self. Sounds weird, I bet. Still how many people do you know that are working harmoniously and in peace with their mind, body, and spirit in unison, seamless and content? Not too many. Maybe this seamless existence is what "happiness" is… I have started this journey again and part of my goal is this delicious seamlessness. The middle path, the path of freedom and love and laughter, and sex and chocolate!

I was with my father and sister last week and we were talking about growing up in India (I was born there, came to the States when I was five, and I spent my tenth grade year there) and the differences between the two cultures. Normally I would usually say with sad resignation, "I wish I had never come back here after the tenth grade year. I shouldv’e just stayed there and gone to the Dance and Performing Arts School in Madras." But last week, I said something that surprised even me, "Appa, I’m glad I didn’t stay there, I was WAY too boy crazy." And my dad asked me what that had to do with anything. And I responded, "Well, I would have just have wanted to have sex with all of them (Aamir Khan look-a-likes), and I would’ve gotten into lots of trouble. As it is I didn’t really start to have sex till I was older here in the States, but in India, man I was rearing to go!" And then the look on my sister’s face was truly priceless- And to tease her and make fun of the perception of a taboo situation I said, "Oh, I mean, I am still a virgin Pops, shoot, of course I have never had sex! OMG, what was I thinking! I’m a good girl I am! I just meant that if I were to indulge my passions, then I totally would have done so in India where it was so easy,… and here it was so hard, I mean so difficult to sneak out unnoticed without Mom on my tail. I’m saving myself for a nice Brahman man that you arrange for me." My father burst out laughing and my sister’s terrified look turned into: You can get away with saying anything I can’t believe you talk to Dad about this astonishment.

Damn right I do.

I don’t care. I’m a sexual person. And so are you. And so were your mother and father. And betting that they still are ;) Yawn. Who cares. Everyone is a sexual person. To say so is redundant. Some use the energy to sublimate into something creative, others to something else. All it is, is energy. And it is awesome. I don’t understand why bringing up sex is taboo. It’s ridiculous. If I cannot be open with my own father and mother, the people who have brought me here, then what is the point in communicating? I love shocking people who can get easily embarrassed. Outside of this, I could care less about sex. Yawn.

But to state that I do not have a special relationship with my father would be a lie. Or that he has not single handedly created a loving and open environment to allow for my fearlessness into exploring openly silly perceptions of taboo and the like would be wrong. He is my best friend ever. I can tell him anything. My openness, my love, my appreciation for beauty and tenderness is directly cultivated by him and as well as by my mother. They have allowed me free reign. They have stoked the fires of my dream of one day feeling completely free, free to do anything, say anything, be anything. I am lucky to have had such an amazing playground for my heart and mind to play in while growing up. And I am still growing up.

So I have been avoiding tomatoes. I have been adhering to an ayuervdic diet. There are three "doshas" in ayuerveda, It comes as no surprise to me that my specific Dosha according to a doctor is one that is principally fire. I am a pitta. Look at the nice things pitta is like when imbalanced:

"Negative:
Pitta person is often stubborn, pushy, prejudiced, and authoritarian.
They have emotional tendencies toward hate, anger and jealousy.
Pitta people become commanding, irritated, angry, aggressive, demanding, assertive when out of balance.
Pitta people usually show extremist behavior and never yield an inch from their principles. They can be judgmental, critical and perfectionist, and tend to become angry easily.
Pitta person is subject to temper tantrums, impatience, and anger."

Hahaha!! That is SO me! And here I am when I am not eating tomatoes:

"Positive:
Pitta people have a sharp mind and superior memory hence they boast outstanding learning, understanding and concentrating powers.
These people are very humourous and popular.

These people are orderly, focused, assertive and entrepreneurial by nature.
Pitta people have inborn leadership skills with good comprehension power, focused vision and blessed wisdom. They are usually good public speakers and also capable of sharp, sarcastic, cutting speech. They have a desire to spread their name and fame all over.
They have natural fondness for noble professions and often make large amounts of money.
They like to spend on luxurious items like perfume and jewelry.
Pitta people appreciate material prosperity .
They enjoy exhibiting their wealth and luxurious possessions and like to surround themselves with beautiful objects."

I haven’t made large amounts of money yet. But I am definitely more orderly than I have ever been. I am nowhere near where I feel I need to be, (totally overly ambitious, but I don’t care- these are my dreams and I love to dream dangit!), but still miles from where I was and will ever go again. For this I am grateful, and am feeling wonderful, and better and delicious than I have in years. Yes, years. I am feeling so focused, so strong in my core both emotionally and physically, I am falling in love with my life again, I am so creative these days, and the dark clouds are parting with every passing day... with love and peace. Enjoy this weather while it lasts. Cold again tomorrow!

The poor poor tomato, so sweet was she...