A Handy How to Get Married with No Fuss, No Mess.

Hi.  If you're like me, you're in love with someone.  If you're like me, you're not cynical about maintaining an emotion as complex as Love for the rest of your ability to do so, and you'd like to have that fact recognized by the state government of your specific state.  There are many reasons for this, most have to do with death benefits. There's a tax break, but it is a pittance, so it doesn't really count.

Anyhow, where was I? Oh, yeah: married.  Say you want to have a wedding, which is this sort of elaborate costume party that occurs during the actual state sanctioned ceremony.  You want to have a wedding, but let's say just for the sake of argument that you have a few requirements that defeat the "traditional" church-led costume party, vis:

• You are agnostic
• You and your intended have competing religious memes
• Your church doesn't recognize your intended for ethical, racial, moral, or monetary reasons OR has a requirement for species that doesn't fit your intended's background
• Your church is in a mini-mall with limited parking for the family and friends called to witness your union
• Your church only recognizes mass marriages, and you + your intended only constitute a gang and not a mass

For all these reasons and maybe many more, you've decided to forgo the traditional marriage-in-church thing.  Your options, then, are very wide-ranging (zoos, civic halls, VFW posts, drug stores, car dealerships, fifty yard lines, hot air balloons, drives thrus in Vegas*, and the like) and vary greatly in expense.

It is the opinion of this author that you pursue something like the following:

1. Find a friend or family member who has a suitably sized back yard.
2. Ensure that said backyard is at least ten miles out of town, the ensure noise and parking ordinances are met.
3. Spend weeks clearing the lot and making last minute repairs to the house of said friend, in order to ensure that wedding guests are comfy and not too eaten by bugs or local predators.
4. Figure out a menu based on the eating habits of the (inevitably) white trash people who would bother to attend such an affair.  I recommend chicken, and beer, your mileage may vary.
5. Design and print your own invites, and have them printed at a Copy Cop or Kinkos or the like. Make sure that directions to the site are included.  Bonus if the directions include landmarks such as "at the third cow" or "when you think you've gone too far."
6. Arrange to have a local judge handle the proceedings.  This is easy to do: march down to your parent's law firm, ask their runner to deliver a letter to a District or State Magistrate judge. Bribe him. Judges who sit on criminal and nasty civil proceedings all day love two things: free booze and the chance to officiate something that is actually happy for all involved parties.
7. On the day of, get dressed in your finest chinos and maybe a vest. Ladies: I hear gowns are pretty popular, but a dress or skirt or even a clean pair of shorts would do in a pinch.
8. Hap-hazardly push everyone into one corner of the yard while someone's brat spreads flowers on the ground.
9. Having written your own vows (you didn't?!? You were supposed to! Well, do them now!), exchange said vows.  The judge will make sure that any legal mumbo-jumbo is properly intoned.  Exchange baubles. Kiss.
10. Retire to the dining area ten feet away, sit at a picnic table, and get drunk with your family.

I can't guarantee that this will work for everyone, but it worked for me. For the last ten years, I've been married after a wedding very similar to the one I just outlined.

For you, maybe change the details where necessary. Or go the other route. I know one guy, he's been divorced two years and he's still paying off his $57,000 wedding bill.

Note on Vegas Weddings: They're pretty funny.