Grocery List: What'd you think?

too short   1 vote - 14 %
too long   0 votes - 0 %
both   1 vote - 14 %
way out of your realm of experience, kiddo   2 votes - 28 %
no real story   3 votes - 42 %
decent   3 votes - 42 %
persimmon is such an asshole when she reviews other entries that this deserves its own option   3 votes - 42 %
 
7 Total Votes
Holy crap. by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #1 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:13:23 AM EST
I could have sworn a man wrote it, and if johnny hadn't announced he wasn't entering, I would have guessed it was his.  You're right that the economy of words helped keep you from tripping yourself up, but it also contributed to the masculine feel.  I missed the baby.  I assumed they had kids from the comment on her tits, but hadn't thought about how old they were.

It was good, and it was the chicken/egg thing that made me think of johnny's writing.  That's a compliment.

-- Do the math.

the other clue by persimmon (2.00 / 0) #2 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:15:18 AM EST
is the "diapers" and possibly the "cereal" in the first list.
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"Nature is such a fucking plagarist."
[ Parent ]
also by persimmon (2.00 / 0) #3 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:17:47 AM EST
"Your new job is harder than my old job" was intended to allude to the new baby.
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"Nature is such a fucking plagarist."
[ Parent ]
heh by MillMan (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:24:06 AM EST
when I read "your tits are chewed so much" it was pretty obvious. Or the alternatives were too disgusting to consider, I suppose.

When I'm imprisoned as an enemy combatant, will you blog about it?

[ Parent ]
Ah. by 2 plus 3 equals 5 (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:25:09 AM EST
It's funny what you miss when you're not semiotically aroused to certain things.  I figured cereal was the grown-up kind and missed the diapers all together.

Also interesting that it's less poignant to me with a couple in their 20s-30s than the one I was envisioning in their 40s-50s.  Still would have voted for it, though.  It worked.

-- Do the math.

[ Parent ]
Heh by hulver (4.00 / 1) #6 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 09:51:28 AM EST
Perhaps I'm being cruel, but I thought greyrat wrote it.
--
Cheese is not a hat. - clock
[ Parent ]
kill that darling by Kellnerin (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 01:32:51 PM EST
I agree. But the rest is superb. I occasionally checked out the list of titles on 256's site before writing mine, and paled when I saw your title. Skimmed it, thought, OK, not really that much like mine. Went ahead and finished mine, submitted it, read this one again, this time for real. Went, "Damn, I should have written this one instead." Even in its abbreviated form, it still had a good sense of rhythm.

As I wrote in my quick review, I kinda hate you a little now. Hope that's OK. So, I guess we're co-hosts for the next party or something, huh?

--
"If we build it, will they come, and what will they do when they get here?" -- iGrrrl

next part-tay by persimmon (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 02:42:18 PM EST
You're emailed, at the address in your user info.
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"Nature is such a fucking plagarist."
[ Parent ]
back atcha by Kellnerin (2.00 / 0) #9 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 03:02:47 PM EST
I hit "send" and my wireless flaked out at that exact instant! so let me know if it's not received within a reasonable time, and I'll resend.

--
"If we build it, will they come, and what will they do when they get here?" -- iGrrrl
[ Parent ]
This story damn near made me cry. by toxicfur (2.00 / 0) #10 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 03:42:02 PM EST
It was rawly honest. Almost too much so. Also, I thought the chicken/egg joke worked - it seemed like kind of a cheap joke that would serve to distance the writer from his emotions. It's the sort of thing I do all the time when stuff starts to get too emotional.

You and Kellnerin both deserved the win on this one, though I admit that i ph34r the prompt for WFC5.
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inspiritation: the effect of irritating someone so much it inspires them to do something about it. --BuggEye

IAWTP by Phage (2.00 / 0) #11 Mon Nov 06, 2006 at 11:57:41 PM EST
I voted this one up. Raw, damaged and earthy.
It wouldn't have grown to a novel like 1978 could have, but the short story is an artform in itself.

[ Parent ]