Should I continue to serialize this tale here?

Yes Please!   14 votes - 100 %
No, no more. Please!   0 votes - 0 %
 
14 Total Votes
WIPO by Phage (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 12:56:40 AM EST
I voted yes. But you need to slow down. You're writing too fast. (If that makes sense)
You chucking one image down over another without pause, sometimes leading to not enough description to get their sensorium, sometimes too wordy.
i.e. we don't care if it's a burlap sack or yesterdays tuna sandwich. It seems overdone.

On the bright side. When you get the pact right, it's spot on. I think your dialogue is often handled better than your descriptive stuff.

Of course YMMV etc

Beg pardon? by Bob Abooey (4.00 / 3) #2 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 04:36:16 AM EST
I, for one, am quite concerned with yesterdays tuna.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Tuna ? by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #3 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 04:43:25 AM EST
so that explains it.. Now, bob, you know about tuna and mercury exposure, right ? It does all sorts of funny things to your brain chemistry. Might want to find a different source of poissons for yourself.

[ Parent ]
Where did you learn how to read? by Bob Abooey (4.00 / 2) #4 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 04:58:42 AM EST
I said I'm concerned with yesterdays tuna, I did not say that I eat tuna.

Damn, what Uni did you attend, I wish to call them and see about rescinding your diploma.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob

[ Parent ]
Well my good sir by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #11 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 06:30:11 AM EST
if you pick up day-old tuna sammitches for eating, or just keep them lying around ye olde rehabe centre to stink the joint up, I'd be concerned too. But more about your hygienic practices than the tuna itself.

[ Parent ]
Dear Sir, by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:15:48 AM EST
We thank you for your interest in yesterday's Valu-Tuna. We would like to assure you, however, that we will do our best to secure and maintain it at all costs. Thanks for your continued patronage.

Sincerely Someone's,
Noah Fucking Webster
Valu-Tuna CEO (Mrs.)


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]
Thank you sir! by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:10:15 AM EST
Criticicicism is always appreciated. Aaaand, you're right. I absolutely rushed this because I knew everything that was going to happen in this little scene, and I tend to get bored if I'm not surprised myself. So.. I ploughed through it with utter disdain.

It would probably also help if I didn't type it up in the little input boxes on HuSi but instead wrote it down and gave it another read a day later.

Dialogue a strength? Funny.. I always thought my dialogue lackluster.. but YMMV.. maybe I should write screenplays instead :P.

In conclusion, I give myself a D- for pacing but an A+ for grammar and spelling. Mrs. Patterson my 2nd grade teacher would be proud.


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]
But by moonvine (4.00 / 1) #6 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:15:16 AM EST
why did you write this in utter disdain?

[ Parent ]
Because the flight to lower disdain was full by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #8 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:21:41 AM EST
No.. really because I already knew what was going on here. At that point it was just a matter of transcribing what I already knew and that bores me to tears. Even the wordsmithing part of it isn't fun in that case.

I'll just have to rework this section if I ever finish up the story and put it all together somewhere.

However, the next part I only have a rough idea about so whenever I get around to that (maybe not this weekend since I'll be in SF) it should prove much more pleasing. That's also when I do the best.. when I have no idea I tend to ramble on and on until there's like a magic talking carp and no one needs that shit. When I have too much of an idea I get bored and barrel through it like.. I dunno.. Donkey Kong. (B-but.. that's a gorilla, not a donkey!)

In conclusion, this is a really long answer to a simple question and it's pretty self-involved. Good thing it's on the Internets.. home of the morbidly self-involved postings.


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]
you're title sounds strangely familiar by moonvine (4.00 / 1) #9 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:26:02 AM EST

All righty, I read this through and I liked it. In spite of the fact that the violence made me uncomfortable and you the author are dear to me, I remain objective :)


Thus far, we have Luke, the transporter kind of guy sans the husky hunkiness and kung-fu prowess, PJ, the villainous mug of a beast without conscience or remorse, and lastly, the beer/blood/vomit/ dungeon of The Pit.  All have been very nicely portrayed. Dialogue was excellent and the pacing was just right.


Common consensus or not, I would like to see more, and I am sure the characters' "roundness" will come out within the pacing of the story.


I'm really more of a moose by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #10 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:33:33 AM EST
less of a dear.

This might help with the title.

They're not so much titles to chapters or anything as they are little tie-ins for the vignette of the moment. Working titles or something. And no I will not give up where yesterday's title came from; it's shameful.

Anyhoo, thanks muchly. I suspect, given time and continued interest, your assessment of the characters may well change. But mysteries last longer so I'll hush hush.


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]
gangly by moonvine (4.00 / 1) #12 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 06:42:33 AM EST
Elk.

[ Parent ]
how could I vote otherwise ... by Kellnerin (4.00 / 1) #13 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 07:15:00 AM EST
as long as you keep ending on cliffhangers and writing phrases like "they sat nearer the dark like silhouettes of themselves," when you're not even trying.

--
Do not misuse.
Heh... by MisterQueue (4.00 / 2) #14 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 07:18:21 AM EST
yeah.. just imagine if I HADN'T been drinking.. woo..

I can picture the funeral conversation now:

Friend 1: "Man he could've totally been like Joyce eventually... if it wasn't for the drinking.. and the laziness..."
Friend 2: "I- I don't think he was Irish either."
Friend 1: "...I don't even know why I'm talking to you."

(I guess I'm saying thanks? It is not clear.)


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]
The one thing I envy about Queue's writing... by superdiva (4.00 / 1) #15 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 07:37:05 AM EST
...is his ability to personify or animate the abstract and elusive in his writing.  It would take me a good while to come with snippets like, "she stares at me like syrup" or "pink eraser lips".

I wish I could make a slave drive out of Queue's cerebellum.

_________________________________________________
Psych-E.org

[ Parent ]
You people need to stop. by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #16 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 07:42:03 AM EST
Purple Monkey Dishwasher.


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]
slave drive? by Kellnerin (4.00 / 2) #17 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 08:59:08 AM EST
Sounds kinda SCSI ...

Actually, the title to this Q-installment reminded me of one of your old diaries ...

--
Do not misuse.

[ Parent ]
Hey now, by superdiva (4.00 / 1) #18 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 10:35:53 AM EST
Nothing SCSI about Queue's ID(E)...

Yeah...ruminating about yogurt was the closest I think I got to the Queue-style.  And I was almost there....

Kellnerin, if we don't stop all this praise on MisterQueue's writing, he'll ban us from his diary...or make us do queuestions...something drastic I'm sure.

_________________________________________________
Psych-E.org

[ Parent ]
Doubtful by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #19 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 11:28:04 AM EST
Though there is a secret little part that goes all "EEE!", it mostly just makes me embarassed.

So... instead I'd probably just stop 4'ing you all. THE HORROR!


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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.

[ Parent ]