Hulver's site || Comments || No, Don't Insist I'm Already Hurt

WIPO by Phage (4.00 / 1) #1 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 05:56:40 AM EST

I voted yes. But you need to slow down. You're writing too fast. (If that makes sense)
You chucking one image down over another without pause, sometimes leading to not enough description to get their sensorium, sometimes too wordy.
i.e. we don't care if it's a burlap sack or yesterdays tuna sandwich. It seems overdone.

On the bright side. When you get the pact right, it's spot on. I think your dialogue is often handled better than your descriptive stuff.

Of course YMMV etc

Founder member Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark

Beg pardon? by Bob Abooey (4.00 / 3) #2 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 09:36:16 AM EST

I, for one, am quite concerned with yesterdays tuna.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob
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Tuna ? by sasquatchan (4.00 / 1) #3 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 09:43:25 AM EST

so that explains it.. Now, bob, you know about tuna and mercury exposure, right ? It does all sorts of funny things to your brain chemistry. Might want to find a different source of poissons for yourself.

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Where did you learn how to read? by Bob Abooey (4.00 / 2) #4 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 09:58:42 AM EST

I said I'm concerned with yesterdays tuna, I did not say that I eat tuna.

Damn, what Uni did you attend, I wish to call them and see about rescinding your diploma.

Warmest regards,
--Your best pal Bob
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: Well my good sir by sasquatchan (2.00 / 0) #11 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 11:30:11 AM EST

if you pick up day-old tuna sammitches for eating, or just keep them lying around ye olde rehabe centre to stink the joint up, I'd be concerned too. But more about your hygienic practices than the tuna itself.

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Dear Sir, by MisterQueue (4.00 / 1) #7 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 10:15:48 AM EST

We thank you for your interest in yesterday's Valu-Tuna. We would like to assure you, however, that we will do our best to secure and maintain it at all costs. Thanks for your continued patronage.

Sincerely Someone's,
Noah Fucking Webster
Valu-Tuna CEO (Mrs.)

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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.
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Thank you sir! by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #5 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 10:10:15 AM EST

Criticicicism is always appreciated. Aaaand, you're right. I absolutely rushed this because I knew everything that was going to happen in this little scene, and I tend to get bored if I'm not surprised myself. So.. I ploughed through it with utter disdain.

It would probably also help if I didn't type it up in the little input boxes on HuSi but instead wrote it down and gave it another read a day later.

Dialogue a strength? Funny.. I always thought my dialogue lackluster.. but YMMV.. maybe I should write screenplays instead :P.

In conclusion, I give myself a D- for pacing but an A+ for grammar and spelling. Mrs. Patterson my 2nd grade teacher would be proud.

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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.
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But by moonvine (4.00 / 1) #6 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 10:15:16 AM EST

why did you write this in utter disdain?

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: Because the flight to lower disdain was full by MisterQueue (2.00 / 0) #8 Fri Sep 22, 2006 at 10:21:41 AM EST

No.. really because I already knew what was going on here. At that point it was just a matter of transcribing what I already knew and that bores me to tears. Even the wordsmithing part of it isn't fun in that case.
I'll just have to rework this section if I ever finish up the story and put it all together somewhere.
However, the next part I only have a rough idea about so whenever I get around to that (maybe not this weekend since I'll be in SF) it should prove much more pleasing. That's also when I do the best.. when I have no idea I tend to ramble on and on until there's like a magic talking carp and no one needs that shit. When I have too much of an idea I get bored and barrel through it like.. I dunno.. Donkey Kong. (B-but.. that's a gorilla, not a donkey!)
In conclusion, this is a really long answer to a simple question and it's pretty self-involved. Good thing it's on the Internets.. home of the morbidly self-involved postings.

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I did invent the wheel in a previous generation.
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