That whole "smokes" thing reeks of Robert Jordan, or maybe Tad Williams. Perhaps you were channeling one of them before they die?

And this paragraph right here:

1.9.1: Codename Purity: Purity was nice and sweet, but the quiet way with which she approached life made me feel predatory for even contemplating having sex with her. I wasn't comfortable being the dude who would take her virginity, so I sabotaged the relationship, then introduced her to my friend David. In the long run, that was a good move.

This changes everything I perceive you to be. I would have almost always pegged you as the "more predatory = more bettah!" guy, but now? How about I just start calling you wussy from now on?

Innocent chicks rock the hizzy. And layin' unholy schmack on them makes me mumble, mumble, can't remember because I married a red-head. . .