Well-meaning advice from idiots who have no idea what they're talking about!

* Soak your pain-killers in salt water before eating them. This will extend their powers by salinating their electromagnetic influence on your colon, possibly adding hours or even days to each dose.

* Do a lot of chin-ups, abdominal curls and jumping jacks. Wear weights on your ankles and wrists. Do this until you're very thirsty, and then take a sauna.

* Nothing makes your back feel better than beating up people who do Yoga.

* You should've approached everyone you ran into at Dell and when they said, "How are you now?" you could just wince and moan, "Oh, the pain, the pain -- I caught Sick Building Symdrome -- in my spine!" In sixth months the worksite would be abandoned, condemned, and buried beneath twenty feet of solid concrete.

* For your wife's birthday hire a cadre of really sexy male strippers, and then when they're limboing about and getting her all positively bothered you can say, "This is how I'd like to dance for you. They're surrogate bodies, but the tips go here."

* Start telling people that you were thrown from your horse. It's a colourful and appropriately Texan story. You might want to consider adding that you "break" horses on the weekends to help manage your stress.

* When visiting old workplaces of publicly traded companies it is pretty much imperative to try to start at least one stock scare while you're there. Mock-whisper, "The big sell-off will start on Tuesday, right after the merger announcement."

* Eat more ginseng.

Good luck!


I am from a small, unknown country in the north called Ca-na-da. We are a simple, grease-loving people who enjoy le weekend de ski.